Freeing the coils of judgement

early morning sun at Ascension Rock, Mount Shasta

It is a deep journey to not make one’s own self wrong for experiencing the energy we call judgement. For then we simply loop into the never ending cycle of identification. Judging ourself for judging, or whatever else may be showing up – anger, despair, sorrow. With the movement to BE with the happening, deeper than simply witnessing or observing, there is a full Presence meeting of the arising. Not flinching from the full tasting of its colors. Yet, vitally, not following any thread of story. What if we simply are here for this movement, all the way, in all its discomfort? What if its nothing about any other, but about a piece of Source coming home?

Judgement – whether of another or oneself – is the same inner trap we can fall endlessly spiralling into, when we mistakenly identify with what is arising. Making a being wrong for whatever traits or blind spots show in unconsciousness, or that might be illuminated in the journey to wholeness, is such a strong programming of the egoic self. The goal – to keep us separate and small, identified.

It has been a core area of learning in this one for decades, since first facing the devastating impact of this energy relentlessly directed at all aspects of the self by the mind and ego. It was the primary aspect that came to awareness when health broke down completely. Internal judgement and the fruitless striving for some level of perfect were the starkest pointers to the inner disconnect. Through many, many waves of healing, self forgiveness and acceptance, a foundation of love has taken deeper and deeper hold. And this theme still arises, where the Self is not integrated AND because it is very alive in the collective. We are deeply programmed to feed separation through judging – better/worse; more/less; good/bad.

This aspect is a trademark of the ego. Once more, we are reminded that this is not “personal”. It will be felt intimately in the personal layers, but this topic is being heard alive amongst very evolved beings, and notably in womens’ conversations. It could be hypothesised that this is a trait more evident in the feminine shadow but that is a huge exploration in itself for another time. Its’ balance is boundless compassion and, vitally, the realisation that its arising does not mean anything about our true nature. That is, not to judge the judgement; not to identify with the identification.

Many on an awakening path of enquiry have taken on a belief that we cannot actually “be spiritual” if we are experiencing judgements, thoughts or feelings of anger and other emotions which have been marginalised and value laden as “negative”! What if the holy fire of anger is just that – a wave of Cosmic power tearing through our core, burning, releasing, freeing? Judgement can be an outplay of where we are still mistaken on who we are. Where there is still identification as a somebody, separate from another somebody. The unpurified ego seeks a false sense of comfort in “better than” or “worse than”. Its precisely the same energy that is founded in separate self.

When this response shows, there may potentially be things to clear or express with another being that are valuable in our own anchoring and growth . And it is healthy to discern where the other is even available for this exploration. But our first and last work is meeting the judgement inside and being scrupulously clear about where we are moving and speaking from. Can we stay without beating oneself up about it? Not judging the judgement; but recognising it as a strong thread that moves through for reuniting. We can further learn to be vigilant for the leaning into making the other wrong in even the subtlest ways, in implying that a difficulty is about them. It is always, always, about what is ready to come home through the vehicle of this consciousness, this essence, this soul.

So if we feel another is not in their heart, and it bothers us, let us turn inward. Where am I not in my heart? Where is there fear or judgement about this belief? Is there a pull to more ways to self diminish and loathe, cloaked in spiritual concepts? Is there a movement to make anything mean something about the innate nature of myself or another? Where there is still a charge, there is inner work to be done. To be present to the ripple or the crashing wave. To listen, look, breathe. Not know anything other than this now, right here in the eye of the storm.

As we resist following the impulse to complain or play victim, we deliver ourself more into authentic and full responsibility for our choices and life. We say a Greater yes to the perfection of the design. Where another has not behaved in an honoring way, it calls us to stand in our truth, to value what we are and move from our most authentic Self, whether or not this is reflected externally. When we feel resentful about not being valued, how are we valuing ourself? How do we speak up for what matters? Hold boundaries? Value our own energy? Victim patterning has run deep in the wounded feminine and will rise again and again until She is clear and anchored in Her magnificence and in uwavering accountability for Her choices, movements and silences. Her voice is called forth but it the voice of the sword of Truth, as well as the Heart of Love, so it must be purified, clear.

Where we feel marginalised, how are we diminishing ourself? There is a very old and familiar thread of being “the outsider”, excluded from the tribe and another version of the”less than” motif of ego. It can also be a vulnerable expression of one of the core challenges of being a starseed in a human body. Many of us are achingly familiar with this particular pain of feeling so different, so out of place in a human world that has largely forgotten what we are as Cosmic beings. In meeting this ache, we can be brought again, by Love, to step up and out, more than ever, certainly in new ways, integrating and embracing all that it is to be a multi dimensional being in a body on earth.

This piece is huge, as many are stepping up and being seen in whole new ways, inevitably meeting our edges, where the little one equally wishes to hide in invisibility. What we are cannot be swayed by another’s praise or criticism; open arms or cold shoulder. The egoic self and heart may tremble momentarily, or longer, but the Self lands deeper in just Being. If we can accept another in their character “flaws” and blindness and still know them as Divine, then we are brought more profoundly to this same meeting in and of our own self. And perhaps this is the greatest calling – with all of what we are in these human body-minds; exactly as we are right now, we are God in form. We are re learning what is real and true through every aspect of living these lives. Nothing is separate. Nothing is unwelcome.

Go well Beloveds.

Helen works one on one as an embodied awakening guide and intuitive multi dimensional healer and co creates in events in Mount Shasta,throughout California and internationally. She is also a meditation, healing and yoga teacher, writer, and tribe mother, with a poet’s heart and evolutionary’s soul – amongst other things! You are so welcome to explore and find out more on her site, and facebook . Keep Being You.


In What do we Trust?

These are the times where we are remembering and creating, in new ways, what it is to be Divinity in form, temporarily occupying a vessel of blood and bones and walking on the flesh of this blue planet. A planet, hurtling through space at sixty seven thousand miles per hour. One of the core foundations for our entire way of Being is trust. As humans, we are often greatly confused about the nature of trust, anchoring it in the false self of individuals, whether lover, friend or self. Then, when we are inevitably disappointed by our inherent fallibility, the foundation of trust trembles or collapses.That is not to say that a level of healthily grounded trust in those we love and hold close is not essential for intimacy and wellbeing, but the key question is who is trusting who?

Who are we? Where is identification resting? In the personal self, life stories or in the Infinite, timeless One? The many aspects of our human self have very real and needs, for food, water, emotional connection, creativity and expression. Where we are invited to get clear is who is speaking. Who is it that has doubts and fears? Where is trust located? That is not to say that psychological trust cannot be fortified and nurtured but let us look deeper too. What is before this?

Our very soul’s relationship with the Infinite can have challenges from our many incarnatory lessons. And beneath this is the indivisible placeless place where there is not even the subtlest differentiation between formless Divine and incarnate in a unique essence. The One consciousness. In the movement to differentiate is this perhaps where even the most minute space can come in for there to be any question of trust ,as Source seeks to know itself.

We could contemplate and hypothesise on the nature of the soul and consciousness for many, many days. What is really confronting many of us on an awakening path is how we LIVE, day to day without the old illusory safety structure for the human. I know a number of powerful , wise beings – who have written many books, led successful retreats, worked with many clients and been deeply in devotion to their path for years who are stripped of a home of their own, any notion of reliable income, relationships, health. What naked and utter surrender looks like externally is unique for each of us but know we can hold on to nothing. For we are asked to know – not conceptually but viscerally in our bellies that whatever is outplaying in our life circumstances it is the SAME. The same current of Source that is everything; is through everything, that we are.

We do not get to play the game of talking about trust and surrender to the Divine – the Divine that is not outside and some external force but is our very life current – we do not get the illusory indulgence to talk of this without being called to live it in every corner of this life. Whatever it takes, whatever it looks like. Trust is not passive surrender, swept along by some oceanic current. It is a conscious, dedicated choice. One that is not naive but opens to all the objections, the lost voices and the broken heart. One that includes all of life. Some of us, including my dear brave pioneering soul friends, may regularly question our sanity or capacity for self delusion when we find ourselves again stripped to the bone. What is being stripped away is old, old energetic patterning and imprinted beliefs. We are being continuously rewired and re born. The ego may kick and complain but there comes a point where there is no other possible direction than trust. Living it.

This is where we will meet more layers in the fear body. When we literally do not know where we will sleep that night or the next, or how we will eat, where is trust? What is the nature of our deepest relationship with the Beloved? We will be shown again and again aspects of the psyche and the belief structures that are being called home. Our heartaches and ancestral wounds will surface to be loved, met and known. And perhaps our very soul may tremble at an even deeper level of reunion and dissolution into the Infinite. Perhaps.

Know that we are each forging new streams in consciousness, even – and especially , as our unique set of circumstances may call us to feel utterly alone, invited to bend our ear ever more humbly and carefully to the inner pulse that no other can translate. Perhaps we are misguided, perhaps we are hand in hand with the voice of Love itself, dancing boundless into new Universes. Perhaps.

Old dogmas of religion speak of a vengeful, patriarchal deity calling humanity to account. Some will look at the burning rainforests and arctic as evidence of this. If anything they are evidence of human’s misguided individualism; disconnected from the earth blood and pulse of our Mother and in denial of our oneness where every choice has a direct reverberation in the fabric of life; not only in this timeline but rippling forward and back. Our ancestors weep, our future selves send their wisdoms more persistently through the dimensions to penetrate the veils.

What are we listening to? The drumbeat of the earth? Of our naked hearts? Or the cacophony of falsity that is poured into our airsteams and thoughtstreams day after day? Trust can only be carved in the silence. Here it will gain the strength to survive and sustain the rigours of earthly choices and decisions amidst the debris and smoke of what is not real. Perhaps.

In the space that can be called upon in any moment, we come home. Answers may not arise. Clarity may not reveal . But in the return to what we are, there is no gap between what is and where trust lives.

Helen is an embodied awakening guide, intuitive multi dimensional healer, teacher, yogini, writer and mother based now in Mount Shasta after relocating from Scotland. Connect on her site and facebook to find out more about how she serves and sign up for occasional newsletters. Trust is the theme of the online webinar on Sunday 25th August. This is a monthly circle to which you are most welcome.

Birth day eve reflections

When I feel back into moments of this life
– as a sensitive, quiet five year old;
a rebellious fifteen year old;
as a single mother at eighteen;
severely ill at thirty;
and so many more….,
deeper places of tender compassion arise for the beauty of a Cosmic soul feeling lost in this world and what it appeared to be.

There was always an inner vibrating that knew, that knew, somewhere. A light that could not extinguish. But for many years it was not possible to even begin the infinite reconciliation of what it is to be a limitless Being of the Cosmos inhabiting bones, blood and skin.

Even as the journey of wholeness and  awakening moved along it was many years before the descent could begin. For the ground to be here. 

And in this, we are brought to everything. There is no where to go. Every place in our own system and psyche and to all the peaks and pools of human consciousness.

For so many of us, it has been so much easier to stay in other realms. With lifetimes of wisdom, and capacities that are vastly outwith what exists on this planet at this time it can seem incomprehensible that what we are can fully come in here. And thrive.
And some can’t.

Yet, for those who stay, we said yes.
We said yes Beloveds. So we come all the way. We are in this Mastery school , this gorgeous playground to come fully into this play as consciousness, as Divine Love, as Source.

We teach what we need to learn and so this core of embodiment has come more and more into the center of my work, and my joy to serve.  As I guide and support Beings to come home in our multi dimensionality, right here , I come more and more home to my own soul song.

We are embodied light, meeting every wave, every movement, every tear, every breath.
So as I enter the celebration of this life, of being born, I honor each of us in the dance that has no end, nor no endpoint. We weave, expand, forget, remember, grow, love and live. As notes in one Cosmic song that echoes throughout eternity.

I love you.

Thank you from my heart for being here.

Helen assists in our embodiment as multi dimensional beings through sessions, energy healing, embodied light events and retreats. She currently lives in Mount Shasta, Northern California. Connect on her site or facebook.

To know One Self as Divine Love

Love cannot know itself without the gaze of another, so it birthed Universes and exploded suns. 

It dappled stars in the blackness and cried oceans.

It sighed and breathed and sound was born. 

The dance is infinite.

This we are. 

Helen Quail
photography by Eyoalha Baker

This Mercury retrograde in Leo and Cancer has proved to be a real gem in readjusting how we present our inner Selves to the outside world. Sure it has also brought tech breakdowns and challenges (!) but most signficantly, the experience of this ride has been how it supports overcoming the fear of expressing our true feeling and desires and ending compromise and playing small. Through this there are tangible frequencies and templates of freedom and birth coming online in the last week or so. In these weeks, there has been a stepping out in whole new levels, with deeper alignment with authentic essence .

I was the girl who would hide at school, panicking at being asked to read aloud – to be heard, to be seen. What self esteem I had was based on two things – being very bright and academically successful and being told I was pretty (which I didn’t believe).

In the late twenties, devastating illness decimated those intellectual skills and and health and strength. I could not walk and often relied on the care from my new husband. This was the biggest gateway in my soul awakening and this journey has woven and cycled over the past twenty years. Early on, there was a seeing and knowing with deep clarity of visions of the “future self”, standing before a large hall of people, listening to my words. Six years ago, a step in that vision manifested when I stood before one hundred and fifty people leading a group meditation and healing.

Yet the pull of the egoic self – to stay small, to hide – continues. After several years stepping back from external work, the lifelong patterns of diminishment still arise. So the invitation to be a speaker on a conscious telesummit became one where I had two choices – to follow fear or to dare greatly – in the words of Brene Brown. The key is WHO is choosing. What aspect of our Being are we following? Was my soul quaking? Fearing the worst? No – so the choice becomes clearer. There was a deeper place present, not leaving, not abandoning. And this was what was chosen. No matter what.

So STAYING with what arises – not making any of it wrong, not getting entangled in the stories; not identifying with it; just letting it be met, loved and present – there is a natural, inevitable return to wholeness and peace. Calm, acceptance and joy at following what is true. And after the event, what a celebration! Of LIFE. Choosing to be alive; to live as Love and dissolve another layer of the self limiting programming.

Over this same period, I had my first professional photos taken in the most delightful way with the extraordinary Eyoalha Baker as the sun rose in the magical forest near Mount Shasta. You can see one above and on my site. And what a joyous and natural experience it was to play and dance with the light energies and beings.

The inner voices do not disappear, may never do, as long as this One is in a body-mind, but the journey is of understanding who is speaking. Listening, loving and bringing all home. This is a choice we truly make each moment. Each time we meet another’s gaze. Each word that comes.

My prayer is that we learn to listen, more than ever, to the quiet, to the bottomless. This is where the dance is, the movement, the stillness; the joy and the grief. I see you in your doubts, your trembling, your aloneness and self loathing. And I see you in your absolute magnificence, your infinite compassion and vast Love. They are not separate. It truly is in the BEING HERE for the really uncomfortable arisings that more light can land.

I love you in this. I know You.

Helen loves to meet in the Truth of who we are, opening to the highest movement and energies to support our wholeness, embodiment and evolution. This can be one to one, in groups, retreats or online circles. Find out more and you are welcome to connect on social media.

Embracing He and She as One

We are familiar with them but often blinded or, even more so, numbed, by the familiarity and pervasive social support for these constructs of control. The patriarchal patterns, anchored in money and power via the material realm and so woven into the structures of society have been used over the “feminine” and culturally embedded for many, many lifetimes as a tool of control and separation. The good news is that they are so “up” for being held and met, in and as full awareness in these times of times. The external struggles simply reflect the inner fragmentation. My system feels the toxicity of this whole illusion in the belly, heart and throat as it comes closer and deeper into the home of Love.

Shadow not brought to the light of consciousness activates and perpetuates more shadow. The feminine shadow includes ungrounded emotionality and manipulation of feeling and sexuality. Here, she can falsely seek her own control and expression and he retreats, feeling unsafe. Or, very often, she is silenced in the weight of his wielding this abuse of power. Her voice is yet again attempted to be removed. She is denied.

In this disconnect, He is in vast pain from the fragmentation from his own Presence into life with all its challenges. Empty of purpose, he grasps to external forms to fill the void. Inwardly there is the ache of longing for what she holds as the dance with creation. She feels the rage and despair of countless lifetimes of being silenced and suppressed and the bottomless grief of “him” not being there for “her”. She is cut off from He. Voice is not founded in Presence. Presence has no fully embodied form to move and create and express. There is no ground of Being for life to fully dance.

The true masculine is pure endless awareness, with its’ essential nature as peace, stillness, joy. The true feminine is love, creation, movement, shakti, sexuality. Both are within – within every one of us – male or female in form. The balance and the integration in each being vary tremendously. Yet, form and formless are constantly seeking the “other”; the merging back into wholeness that was never lost, just veiled by the belief in who we thought we are; fed by the blood of endless wounds and drowned out by the whirling of the over-stimulated mind.

What deep, deep energies these patterns carry in our collective and how the heart swells in compassion for each of us when we get caught in this “hell”. To the extent that we identify with these plays, we suffer so deeply. When we fall into seeking control – in any way – and certainly through external, unreal constructs of money and ownership, we have lost touch with our Self. We are anchored wholly in the false “I” that is separate. She cannot open and be met. He cannot access the limitless dancing of the Cosmos through Her.

The fragmentation between these expressions of One within every being – whatever gender – is our fundamental disconnect from true nature. The apparent hell of the separate worlds of victim and oppressor; of the abandoned child; of the alone heart – all can be recognized in the ocean of That which is. The integration calls for nothing other than the meeting with full Presence to every movement of creation and form; feeling, thought, body, circumstance. Every play through form is drenched in limitless awareness. There is no separation.

Helen works individually with people from around the planet, as a guide, healer, teacher – facilitating inquiry and embodiment into our true, multi dimensional unlimited nature. Book here or sign up for occasional updates on events, groups, online programmes and her writings. Feel welcome to connect on Facebook.

A world of Love

every day is a day of love

This is a day when the vast majority of humans on this planet are, if but momentarily, thinking about love, primarily through the filter of romantic and intimate relationship. Some will revel in the affection with a partner; others lament our apparent aloneness. Let us compassionately but firmly blow through the seduction of what we have been sold in various packages, as a species. The Love and meeting we seek can truly only be located in our love affair with the Mystery, the Divine, the unnameable. The encounters we have as humans can open us further; heal and expand our shaking hearts. They can of course also close them down for a time, when the precious tenderness of our light and love is violated.

Many of us may be content with the comfort of loving companionship, friendship and trust sculpted over time and shared life experience and how precious this is. Some may stay in unhappy pairings not seeing any other choices or feel lonely in our singledom. And some – not so many – but a growing and very significant group, are dedicated above all to the inner union. That is the deep experiential knowledge of the Divine through our own self. Evolutionary conscious relationship may be a significant vehicle for the growing of this inner marriage but, crucially, it will be in service to that. The knowing and union of Divine and form within cannot ever be for a self, an individual “alone”. For that is an individual that is based on a misunderstanding. Union – yoga – occurs through a one; through a differentiated form and expression of consciousness, thus flowing back into and evolving the origin. Relating consciously is an immensely potent catalyst.

We often fall “in love” with what we see, imagine or project onto another; the qualities we most desire or wish in ourselves. The cauldron of Love will inevitably bubble up the hidden pains, the shame, the abandoned places; all that longs to return to the embrace of wholeness. So if we are not here for this, for our own self, what we took to be love may turn even to hate, to resentment, hurt, disappointment. If what arises cannot be met, then the rejection of these places is placed onto another form.

Many of us are understandably caught in the pursuit of fulfilling our own personal desires. Few are courageous enough or awake enough to dedicate every form of relating to That which is. Nor is it the path for many.

An unending, unshakeable meeting is found fully only in awareness itself, in Divine Love. It can pour through forms of realized beings yet is not of, or belonging to, any one. Love is without end and as we taste this it is dizzying and terrifying to the small one who thought our human play was real.

Love shapes each one of us in our wide-eyed, crazy-making, colorful brilliance. It flows through our veins. It saturates the air we breathe. It is discovered and uncovered through every relating, whether with lover, friend, rock or tree. But the depth of the agonies and limitless realities that are illuminated through conscious intimate relationship are perhaps the richest pathway to an honest meeting of our self; a dying to our attachment to who we take ourselves to be and a falling into the One that never leaves, never turns away; that is love , everywhere. The One that is right here. Calling you.

Helen offers private sessions in Mount Shasta or through skype. Book here. Groups and events and other offerings can be accessed through subscribing on her siteand please feel welcome to connect through facebook.

Truth waits quietly

“Stop!” she said.
“No” his answer.

This is a play of the illusion of separation as it is most prevalently played out in the crumbling paradigm of patriarchy.
And I don’t at all mean confined to sexuality.
This is showing up in our daily lives with Beloveds, children.

With those of us culturally fed to believe in our false identification with power, and as a long quietened voice of Love finds a clearer tone and the opening hearts in this world.

It may be male or female speaking these words, but the unique flavour of separation that is distorted power and control is very active in our human world as it crumbles.
And the feminine aspect is especially in a wave of clearer boundary setting and embodying self-love in real, sometimes bloody and brave ways.

As the illusion of “other” evaporates; there can be no enemy, no fight. Our only call is to look inside, deep and long; not turning away from the ghosts and wails calling for Loving Presence.

As we are HERE, spaciousness enters more and more lusciously. The always extant state of gratitude hums through every “experience”. It is both earth and sky.

The ground of Being is pure joy; Love and appreciation.
All of these but finite words; flags waving in the winds calling us to look, look, look.
Truth waits.

Helen is available for one to one sessions at a special 10% discount through December. Book and connect through her site and Facebook.