Some of the most destructive wildfires California has known have been burning not far from the sacred mountain so the skies are heavy with smoke. Earthquake and fire erupt around the planet.
“More deeply than ever, choosing Love moment to moment.
Breath by breath, we can.
It may look like the wildfires burning not far from here;
the rose coloured moon;
or the searing pain in our heart.
It is the radical unknowing
and the willingness to bow to it all.
Meeting the heartbreak and beauty both.
Breath by breath.”
Two days after I wrote these words, every breath literally became excruciating as the I lay in bed with cracked bones; a deep, ancient heart release. So, so old energies of oppression oozed from the bone structures, and my sternum ached in its core as a deeper level of release opened.
Such is life. Literally in a heartbeat we are catapulted into an entirely new realm. As when I fell just before autumn equinox last year, fracturing my finger, the extent of the energetic release and ancient healing was apparent so quickly. As was the perfection of what took place. So it has been a time of – imposed – rest, self-care and letting go even more. My children all on school holidays, feeling very new in this different continent and needing their mother whilst for a prolonged time every breath, every movement was a challenge.
So where now words have greater space to come, may my personal reflections feel relevant to what is happening in our world and perhaps within your own self.
perfection on a morning walk
The big themes throughout these eclipse weeks have been purifying; clarifying and boundaries as self love in action.
Boundaries are a topic showing up for many, seemingly fuelled by the ongoing evolution of the feminine finding her authentic voice – and the masculine archetypes in crisis. We are all searching, realising the false echoes of what has been fed to us. There is a strength emerging that is pure, true and fierce. She is uncompromising as she is tender. The spectrum of Love that is infinite, that encompasses everything also includes setting strong, non-negotiable boundaries when one is being consistently or strongly hurt.
Compassion can co-exist wildly with the call for rooted self-love. True compassion in its essence includes wisdom; embracing the whole situation and focusses on care for the true Self. Idiot compassion, a phrase of which I just became aware, is misdirected compassion for the personality acting out; support for neuroses; in effect enabling; or acting to soother our own egoic sense of inadequacy. This illuminated some of where I had become entangled.
The spectrum of love can move from two extremes between closing down and withdrawing emotionally and being so open we cannot hear our own deep inner yes or no. We are conditioned to cling to polarities, either of which is a distortion. As we shine more and more light on these inner swings, we can come to rest in the truth or our Beingness that is unshakeable as Love itself and we drop our projections onto others.
I have been led through several very vivid initiations, large and small around this theme of the spectrum of love and cultivating boundaries and I hear many echoing this recently. I watched my inner conflicts when someone I loved and cared about went into a severe mental health crisis. This was happening right in my home. The young man’s partner was having her life threatened. The person began rampaging, rambling manically and acting in a wholly unpredictable and disturbing manner. Subsequently, this young man’s long history of repeated hospitalisation, manic episodes and homelessness emerged as did his partners’ enabling and collusion. It was painful for me to find the place where I love and care as much as ever but I had to make a choice to take care of myself and my family, as difficult and painful as this was.
The couple along with the other housemate, then, subtly or blatantly, put their projections of blame and guilt on me. There was no compassion from those directly involved for the extreme difficulty and trauma for my family. As I allowed space for my own trauma, anger, disappointment and heartbreak, I could hold and drop deeper into my centre, feeling only compassion and forgiveness. Including for myself, seeing where I was conflicted and placed others wellbeing before myself and my family, creating suffering in the process.
The very real and grounded choosing of love that can be deeply uncomfortable here called for strong, unequivocal action and boundaries. The balance and integration of the feminine and masculine aspects. The Universe set this all up so precisely so that I had to deal with it all literally alone, without any physical support. So the challenges and later strength that came were unmissable. And there could be no projections onto any “other” of what was called for.
I feel so much gratitude that – perhaps because the situation was SO extreme – I developed whole new levels of clarity in seeing the projections so clearly and choosing not to take them on. What someone thinks of us is really none of our business! I was not safe in my own home and in tapping deeper into what self-love actually called for, I found the courage to insist they leave, even as I tried to get him help and support.
So, in this field of clarifying and renegotiating boundaries, also arises the topic of projections. Projections and entanglement go hand in hand. I have been realising a deeper lesson in how much I have allowed myself to be affected by what are others projections, BECAUSE and where they are close soul family whom I love profoundly. And they are humans. Again I am further developing the skill of knowing, seeing and loving the soul and multidimensional selves and accepting where the human is. It can be very sad yet it is also an act of true liberation for the person and for self. Freedom.
Let people be where they are. We can still silently and persistently radiate the mirroring and echoing of their true essence. We can honour whatever their reality is, emotionally or psychologically, making all the space it needs and know that who they are essentially is unchangeable.
I have also been looking more closely at how I can tend still to “lean out” towards others; in love; in sincerity; in care. I am aware of patterns from many years ago of pouring myself into caring for others as a denial of that love for my own self. Now so much more centred in my own nature as Love, with the love I have and my willingness to self-reflect, I have indulged others reflections too much. They are always an opportunity to grow but I am developing greater discernment at not taking on or in what is not oriented in love.
In part of my enquiries, I have allowed to come closer more of the essential purity of my soul. This is a place that is bewildered at the pain of this world. She is not naive, she is vast, yet she holds a profound innocence and a shimmering purity that is rare and finds it excruciating to feel all on this planet. Perhaps there is a gradual merging of more aspects of my soul; the wise woman and this shimmering purity; the mother, the lover; the ancient priestess; the Cosmic evolutionary – all of it.
Ultimately it all comes to this, now. This breath. This touch. This word of love that vibrates across the oceans.
Be well. Go gently but be unafraid of the fierceness of your blazing heart. We walk a delicate balance as the energies pouring into our cells and planet integrate. Have the wild courage to stay open; to love as only you can; to feel and to keep the tender skin of your feet close to the earth, even as your vibrancy dances with the very stars.