How interesting the times when chunks of our words “disappear” from the computer, as just happened to me for perhaps the third time today, including a more or less completed blog…!
For a week or two, I have been experiencing waves of resistance of a depth and intensity unknown to me previously. Storms of negativity that I find myself swept in yet just as quickly can be gone. I notice layers and layers of resistance – to beautiful people coming from their heart, to my very life and its circumstances, and to Life itself. Judgement, intolerance and explosive rage. Yet in between, I am happy, motivated, passionate. Interestingly, I have not encountered direct resistance to my own spiritual practices. So the cloak of the ego slips further and I see more clearly the ploy to lure me into swallowing the old beliefs, strategies, the twists and tricks to separate me from myself/others.
Life has been so very full and I am taken aback at the pace of time. So it has been particularly difficult to create any space to just be with myself. I have felt this keenly when I so long for inner space. Nevertheless, to the best I could, I connected to the full moon the last few nights, in ceremony. She only showed herself for the briefest of moments last night, allowing the clouds to part and shining her light upon me. Those few seconds remind me of Truth, of Light. That I am much, much more than my internal struggles.
This morning I chose to go for a short walk before my meditation class, feeling apathy and frustrations and not good about my lack of patience and kindness with my daughter. A view down through some trees to a river catches my eye and I decide to follow my intuition. I walk down and find myself in a place I have never before been, despite living in this town eight years and knowing it for decades. As I follow the river along, the land opens out into a beautiful green space and off to the side a waterfall gushes, fed by the melting of recent snows. I reflect on how a turn of the head or shift of viewpoint can open up a completely new horizon and experience. This has always been right here.
I stand before the waters letting them wash though me. As I gently shift into a more allowing attitude towards the storms within, I notice they have gently and effortlessly dissipated. And in the space is more softness, gentle opening, and even a sense of appreciation and wonder towards the bare trees silhouetted against the low morning sun, the light playing on the water, the sticks and mud under my boots.
At the same time I realise that even through turbulent storms within, there is an absence of a desire to seek answers or “fixing” by someone or something. I realise that I have quietly somehow come to know and accept of my own inner teacher, my own Master, more than ever before. I have all I need within. Sometimes we are just called to go a bit deeper, to shift our perspective again and again.
As I gaze out of the window now, some hours later, I see the trees sway in the winds and the rain batters against the window panes. The storm may not be far away but I know I can choose to shift. To shift my viewpoint. To realign with myself – my deepest self, the one who is becoming unborn, unknown, and infinite. In truth who always has been.