This blog is one of the most “personal” I have shared and many may wonder why I do so. The answer – as always – is that I share the words when they need to be shared. When the flow comes and when I know they have to be offered. It may be but one soul that can receive. No matter. What matters is the speaking of my truth, from the heart. This is at the core of my serving in this lifetime.
Several years ago, on getting to know a new/old friend and her discovering that I have five children, she commented, “Wow, you must really LOVE being a mother!” This remark struck something core at that moment and has echoed with me these years in its inadvertent wisdom and invitation to explore layers of my Being and experiences.
Many who know me reflect on my natural ease and grace in mothering. I do love being a mother. My children have taught me more about love than anything else on this planet. But this has not been the motivating force behind my mothering. That force, I see with greater and greater clarity is Source itself, of course.
In truth, no – this is not an innate, organic urge to reproduce and care-take that has always been with me. I had no desire to have children – quite the opposite! I disconnected from any conscious impulse to be a mother. This was an absorption of my parents conditioning and experiences rather than my own clear response.
At seventeen, as a University student emerging from a very turbulent last few teenage years, I found myself pregnant, “unplanned”. Now I can see the perfection of this – as everything in this life. A deep unconscious desire to be loved and needed was met in a daughter who would require lifelong and constant care. An angel – with “Angelman Syndrome” who would show me what Love really is. And be my first and greatest teacher in the power and beauty of letting go – in and as love.
The details will come another time but in letting her go, my resulting swallowing of grief, guilt and pain and my denial of Self as Mother led me ultimately into the total breakdown of my health. By the time I was in a wheelchair and had job, home, relationships and much else stripped away, I was finally waking to another way of Being.
Part of that healing was returning to reclaim Mother in me. This took long years, chronic illness, even a journey through the legal system until I literally placed myself before the highest court of my country, and owned the truth that I was indeed a mother and a good mother. And through this healing of myself as Mother, came the very conscious conception and incarnation of my Beloved son, some seventeen years after my daughter.
What has occurred throughout the time since has been a periodic calling, a specific powerful awakening of this impulse to bring forth life, to mother, in order to consciously facilitate each of five very special and powerful souls to find their way into this world. In the case of my adopted daughter – very especially to place her in the circumstances she needed to be to fulfill her mighty soul’s mission. Each calling has met various degree of internal resistance for a brief period until coming into alignment and embracing. Other than the way in which the sacred adoption of my daughter came forth, which was so massively forceful there truly was no space for any resistance or hesitation!
So I know so deeply that each of “my” children” is truly a gift from the Divine. A message, a blessing, a service, a gift beyond riches. The love I have for my children cannot be anything other than unlimited, unconditional and vaster than any other. There have been innumerable moments of utter magic, joy, tenderness and a fulfillment that fill up my heart in unique and precious ways.
I could write many, many pages on the miracle that they are and the gifts that mothering offers. I would give my life in a heartbeat for any one of my children. And I believe they know so.
What has been germinating for actually my entire life – I just wasn’t conscious of it – is the knowing that my service involves Being Mother, in a way that both holds and transcends the personal.
After caring for my first daughter for the first two and a half years of her life, I was completely ready and committed to devote my whole life to her care which would be constant. I considered no other choice. Then a gateway opened. A long and immensely painful journey ensued – which again is for my book rather than here – but in essence I learned that the true meaning of love is loving without attachment. Loving someone enough to set them free, let them go. We gave each other this gift, my daughter and I – of the purest unconditional love. She has never spoken a word for she speaks the truest language of the heart and is one of the most masterly teachers I have encountered.
Flitting ahead through the years of birthing and raising three sons and my adopted daughter, and my marriage coming to an end, there has been a more conscious knowing for a number of years that in order to fulfill what I came here for, I would again be required to let go. To entrust my children to Mother. To Life. To allow us all to be supported and cared for at the highest levels, so that love can continue but I can also serve as meant. And so it is. And now comes to pass.
After many, many months of tears, exploration, processing I require to be ready to be wrong, to make a mistake, I require to take the risk of stepping into the third stage of my life that is much more than selling the family home and leaving Scotland. At a practical level, my children are very fortunate as they have a beautiful father who loves them and can provide a stable family home for them. They too have a mother who loves them beyond what is possible to measure and will always, always be available in the ways that matter most. They know how to feel me and that separation is an illusion. They know they are so loved and welcomed with both their father and mother and there is always a place with either parent as and when this feels the right thing for them.
And this will support all of us in the face of collective judgement, much of it unspoken. Much of it projection of our own deepest fears and wounds around Mother and Father.
It is not that it is not entirely possible to integrate a high level of spiritual service with being entirely grounded in family life and there are mothers and fathers the world over doing just this. This has been my richest teaching ground on patience, love, truly embodying what I learn and really being present.
It is – very simply – the path set out for this soul. Whether it can ever be understood at levels other than heart or soul, or not. My conscious awakening began some twenty years ago. I am not meant to defer my call for another fifteen until my youngest is grown. The work is too important and it is needed now.
So we enter a different dance. One that will flow and change as each of these amazing beings grows through different life stages; as my path of service unfolds. But we will weave this dance together – a lifelong dance of love.
My children are not “my” children” but as Gibran says
“They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.”
They come through me but not from me.
To deny my Truth is to deny my soul. I have to answer to what I know, no matter how difficult this may appear. I cannot teach my children to deny their soul. I will not. And I feel them – their souls around me – as we honour the contract we made before birth, knowing deep within, however the human part may respond, that all is in Divine perfection.
I give All to Mother. All is held by Her. We walk as One .
Helen Quail 2.1.15