Category Archives: Writing

The spectrum of Love

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dusk from the  mountain

Some of the most destructive wildfires California has known have been burning not far from the sacred mountain so the skies are heavy with smoke. Earthquake and fire erupt around the planet.

“More deeply than ever, choosing Love moment to moment.
Choosing Life.
Breath by breath, we can.
It may look like the wildfires burning not far from here;
the rose coloured moon;
or the searing pain in our heart.
It is the radical unknowing
and the willingness to bow to it all.
Meeting the heartbreak and beauty both.

Breath by breath.”

Two days after I wrote these words, every breath literally became excruciating as the I lay in bed with cracked bones; a deep, ancient heart release. So, so old energies of oppression oozed from the bone structures, and my sternum ached in its core as a deeper level of release opened.

Such is life. Literally in a heartbeat we are catapulted into an entirely new realm. As when I fell just before autumn equinox last year, fracturing my finger, the extent of the energetic release and ancient healing was apparent so quickly. As was the perfection of what took place. So it has been a time of – imposed – rest, self-care and letting go even more. My children all on school holidays, feeling very new in this different continent and needing their mother whilst for a prolonged time every breath, every movement was a challenge.

So where now words have greater space to come, may my personal reflections feel relevant to what is happening in our world and perhaps within your own self.

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perfection on a morning walk

The big themes throughout these eclipse weeks have been purifying; clarifying and boundaries as self love in action.

Boundaries are a topic showing up for many, seemingly fuelled by the ongoing evolution of the feminine finding her authentic voice – and the masculine archetypes in crisis. We are all searching, realising the false echoes of what has been fed to us. There is a strength emerging that is pure, true and fierce. She is uncompromising as she is tender. The spectrum of Love that is infinite, that encompasses everything also includes setting strong, non-negotiable boundaries when one is being consistently or strongly hurt.

Compassion can co-exist wildly with the call for rooted self-love. True compassion in its essence includes wisdom; embracing the whole situation and focusses on care for the true Self. Idiot compassion, a phrase of which I just became aware, is misdirected compassion for the personality acting out; support for neuroses; in effect enabling; or acting to soother our own egoic sense of inadequacy. This illuminated some of where I had become entangled.

The spectrum of love can move from two extremes between closing down and withdrawing emotionally and being so open we cannot hear our own deep inner yes or no. We are conditioned to cling to polarities, either of which is a distortion. As we shine more and more light on these inner swings, we can come to rest in the truth or our Beingness that is unshakeable as Love itself and we drop our projections onto others.

I have been led through several very vivid initiations, large and small around this theme of the spectrum of love and cultivating boundaries and I hear many echoing this recently. I watched my inner conflicts when someone I loved and cared about went into a severe mental health crisis. This was happening right in my home. The young man’s partner was having her life threatened. The person began rampaging, rambling manically and acting in a wholly unpredictable and disturbing manner. Subsequently, this young man’s long history of repeated hospitalisation, manic episodes and homelessness emerged as did his partners’ enabling and collusion. It was painful for me to find the place where I love and care as much as ever but I had to make a choice to take care of myself and my family, as difficult and painful as this was.

The couple along with the other housemate, then, subtly or blatantly, put their projections of blame and guilt on me. There was no compassion from those directly involved for the extreme difficulty and trauma for my family. As I allowed space for my own trauma, anger, disappointment and heartbreak, I could hold and drop deeper into my centre, feeling only compassion and forgiveness. Including for myself, seeing where I was conflicted and placed others wellbeing before myself and my family, creating suffering in the process.

The very real and grounded choosing of love that can be deeply uncomfortable here called for strong, unequivocal action and boundaries. The balance and integration of the feminine and masculine aspects. The Universe set this all up so precisely so that I had to deal with it all literally alone, without any physical support. So the challenges and later strength that came were unmissable. And there could be no projections onto any “other” of what was called for.

I feel so much gratitude that – perhaps because the situation was SO extreme – I developed whole new levels of clarity in seeing the projections so clearly and choosing not to take them on. What someone thinks of us is really none of our business! I was not safe in my own home and in tapping deeper into what self-love actually called for, I found the courage to insist they leave, even as I tried to get him help and support.

So, in this field of clarifying and renegotiating boundaries, also arises the topic of projections. Projections and entanglement go hand in hand. I have been realising a deeper lesson in how much I have allowed myself to be affected by what are others projections, BECAUSE  and where they are close soul family whom I love profoundly. And they are humans. Again I am further developing the skill of knowing, seeing and loving the soul and multidimensional selves and accepting where the human is. It can be very sad yet it is also an act of true liberation for the person and for self. Freedom.

Let people be where they are. We can still silently and persistently radiate the mirroring and echoing of their true essence. We can honour whatever their reality is, emotionally or psychologically, making all the space it needs and know that who they are essentially is unchangeable.

I have also been looking more closely at how I can tend still to “lean out” towards others; in love; in sincerity; in care. I am aware of patterns from many years ago of pouring myself into caring for others as a denial of that love for my own self.  Now so much more centred in my own nature as Love, with the love I have and my willingness to self-reflect, I have indulged others reflections too much. They are always an opportunity to grow but I am developing greater discernment at not taking on or in what is not oriented in love.

In part of my enquiries, I have allowed to come closer more of the essential purity of my soul. This is a place that is bewildered at the pain of this world. She is not naive, she is vast, yet she holds a profound innocence and a shimmering purity that is rare and finds it excruciating to feel all on this planet. Perhaps there is a gradual merging of more aspects of my soul; the wise woman and this shimmering purity; the mother, the lover; the ancient priestess; the Cosmic evolutionary – all of it.

Ultimately it all comes to this, now. This breath. This touch. This word of love that vibrates across the oceans.

Be well. Go gently but be unafraid of the fierceness of your blazing heart. We walk a delicate balance as the energies pouring into our cells and planet integrate. Have the wild courage to stay open; to love as only you can; to feel and to keep the tender skin of your feet close to the earth, even as your vibrancy dances with the very stars.

Helen offers herself in service through one to one work and gatherings globally. You can contact her and subscribe for updates at her site or on facebook.

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Circles of transition

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Life has had me intensely in Her grip in past weeks. As for many of us, it seems. Huge transitions have been in play in all levels of my world, much of which remain quiet, integrating within.  And I have come to realise that this is equally the intensity that is moving in the collective as polarities in consciousness actually are pulled together to explode into what is true.

It has been a time of the circle. Completions and beginnings both interweave and overlay; one and the same. Timelines merge. The layers opening in recent times across so many levels have called for every bit of my energy and sometimes more.  On the third day of landing in California, dissolution happened in a vivid way. What seemed almost insanely intense, I slowly came to sense was not only (or even) personal. Of course, I had been under immense stress and pressure – relocating my family five thousand miles and much more – but I came to hear and feel of soul family equally cracking, weeping, dissolving, immobilised with exhaustion with striking power.  In this, I am grateful for the reminding that we are ever and always droplets in a moving, breathing, shifting ocean, each both drop and ocean, which brings some gentle comfort to the burning soul and aching body.

I find the invitation ever more vivid to be fully present to exactly what is – the raging; the holy fire; the inability to summon energy to function; the fury, despair, tenderness, quaking vulnerability, and always, always pulsing silently or loudly, – Love. Now I am beginning to drop tendrils into the Californian soil, to exhale, to soften into this more deeply. I feel my soul dropping deeper into my physicality, many aspects of my Self aligning. The threads that weave the invisible sanctuary in which Being can thrive are mysterious and many.

In these past days, the moon rose in her fullness over Mount Shasta. In Capricorn, she heralds a time of decision making; decisions that bring us closer to who we are and anchor our essence in the material plane in how we live and act. I have also very much been feeling the feminine flow of gentleness and softness, amplified by the Sacred mountain, even in her unrelenting transformative potency. The Mother sings her embrace of Sacred cadence simultaneously as we are lifted to make real life-directing decisions and to act upon them. The balance of the masculine and feminine feels more rooted in life than ever before.

I am but a “newcomer” in this life to living in the embrace of the mountain, with aeons of learning to rediscover and forge anew. In this apprenticing, I observe in one day the movements between softest Grace and fierce fire. Opening up all the way to exactly what is showing up here and now, however discomfiting, opens us – parts of us we know well – to devastation. What feels like devastation can open in a breath. And what remains? What is beneath and around; caressing, whispering and wrapping its unyielding arms around all? The more fully one can BE right here, – without restriction, without the cloud of story, – the torrent of the Cosmos can wash away more stones, more dust, more veils of attachment to identity or belief.

What is left, is Life itself, without interpretation and the film of understanding.  Indescribable, indefinable beauty.  Direct. Alive. Without limit.

Dying and being reborn we are. Infinitely.

Helen offers one to one sessions globally. Explore more and book at www.helenquail.com or facebook. The next cycle of events will come to fruition and be posted on her site in due course.

 

 

Love’s call

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Let no one tell you who you are.
Let every wind, tree and bird show your deepest, vastest nature
beneath all the layers of skin,
hardened over years of pulling away from the inexorable vortex within;
the mirage of mirrors of clothing
and hats
and too-quick words
that lean us away from Love’s freefall,
into echoing despair.

Where is the pulse of your belly?
The ocean of your chest?
the Cosmos of your Sacred heart?
Oh let us free it all into wildness, together.

Let go into the infinite that has no definition,

only the tears of your cracking chest
the breath of your soul
that will pulse forever
like a beacon,
and a torch
calling always to truth.

 

Explore with Helen on her site or facebook

naked

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We move through life accumulating layers of clothing and weight; of personality; social identity; memories and past experiences that we hold as shaping who we are. In the surrender to awakening, we die to who we thought we were. This death occurs again and again; even as we see the grasp loosen, as we feel the spaciousness of True Self dancing through and around us as we move in the world, there are many, many deaths to come. We are actually returning to the nakedness with which we entered, wide-eyed, naked, non-identified. ( I wonder, how much of parental perception infiltrates the placenta? What is the interaction between the consciousness of the embryonic baby and the mother for instance? Fascinating to enquire)

Yet we become naked, stripped of defence mechanisms, behavioural patterns in which to hide; self-esteem built on achievement or status. There is the realisation that no-one is here. No “one”, only That. There are levels of witnessing that move more and more subtly to the Absolute perceiving itSelf.

In preparing for a first public event after an absence of two and a half years, it was fascinating to watch the patterns of the egoic self-doubt and worthlessness arise. Regardless of what had gone before, the mind desperately attempts to diminish. Awareness was held that this was necessary and welcome releasing, yet this did not make any of it less intense. And as it came closer and the commitment to showing up did not lessen, relief came in the joke of realizing (again) that there is no-one to show up; no-one to “do” anything”. There is only form, offering itself as a vehicle for the Divine; fulfilling some part of its calling. So nothing to identify with; not be attached to an outcome or even the experience. It is to say yes to the call and surrender utterly to Divine intelligence as to how that moves; what that looks, feels and tastes like.

The invitation is to be naked. No agenda. No investment. What it is essential is to be pure in our intention and heart. Then, whether things apparently go well or awry is actually meaningless. Each one of us that shows up serves the greater intelligence. There is full surrender.

In the vulnerability of being totally naked,  the only thing to fall back on and into is the Goddess, Life, Source. What joy and relief to let go, to surrender even more to Her. And in the joyousness and playfulness, All come, All is Here. We are indeed newborn, creating Universes with our breath, galaxies with our heart beat. Awakening occurs through each differentiated essence-in-form and through our unified intentions. Together we remember, we strip away, we love each other home in our hearts.

Come play and explore together. Helen is facilitating gatherings in the UK and USA and offers individual session work globally. Explore her site and facebook for more info and to subscribe for occasional updates.

love note

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Just know that you are not alone.

Whatever you are feeling, however seemingly dense and impenetrable; if you are exhausted; emotional; feeling lost; wrestling in challenging body symptoms. The distortions up for releasing in the collective are epic.. Along with our own personal blueprints for soul growth and evolution…

We bleed, we cry, we get bone weary. And we get back up again.

None of it is personal.

Breathe deep into the space that is always here. The Love that infuses every aching corner, even in the darkest shadows.

Allow it all and believe nothing.

This is what we came for.

Reach out to Helen through her site or facebook.  She holds healing and transformational space with groups and individuals globally.

Choice point

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We are in the Dark Moon, midway in a truly epic gateway (15 – 17 March) and approaching Spring equinox, a time of great transformation; of coming into balance; of opening more than ever before to the Divine light which returns through the portal of the dark times.

The shift yesterday was very palpable, embracing us in new levels of Cosmic light. Today there is the opportunity to offer up that which no longer serves. We are called to deeper and deeper levels of mastery in meeting what is in or through our bodies and forms. It is a time of great collective release – just look at the passion and power of the young people leading the way on societal change and gun laws in USA .

It is also suggested this is the completion of a 6 year cycle into our wholeness. So you may be witnessing emotions, stories, pain physical, emotional or spiritual rolling through your inner landscape, much of it far more ancient than your life here on this planet.

We are so lovingly invited not to dampen down or push away anything. Nothing is unacceptable. Give every voice full space with full and unattached Presence. And bring the openness of our hearts to it all. Release any investment in blame or judgement of any other- including our own self. We feel what we feel.

And then …in the graciousness of Love and time and Presence we can truly choose truth, our deepest, purest truth. Choose wisely and release all the way. And each moment, all through our daily life, we breathe and drop into this again. Let our choice be as conscious as it can be, right now and setting the template for this now and for the coming half year cycle.
We get to choose. We get to create.
And best of all, we get to be together in this wild ride.

So much love.

Helen serves Love though one to one meetings, global gatherings; light activations and writing. Find out more on her site and connect on facebook.

Mother of all

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Divine Mother,

Mother of all form

Blessed be your expression through every mother on this planet. Every human being in form has been birthed from a mother, whether we have never known their form or however our relationship has unfolded.

May the infinite bonds of loving nurturing be healed and strengthened in the heart and cells of every Being. May both mother and father come in to wholeness in loving nurturing protection.

I offer infinite gratitude to my mother in this life, I honour your strength, sacrifices, love and kindness;
to each of my five children who are my greatest, fiercest teachers; to the biological mother of my Ethiopian daughter – I bow to you and thank you for the honour of being guardian of this soul ~ our Hearts are One;
to the mother who helped caretake my oldest daughter since she was six years old, an angel who chose to serve by taking a form that requires lifelong care;
to my grandmothers and their grandmothers, the generations upon generations of wisdom keepers, I bow.

I am feeling all the Sisters who inspire me; whom I love; who change the world and beyond; whom I have held close and those I have never met in the flesh but who reside deep in my heart. Whether you see these words or not, we feel each other.
 
I think of all the women whose daily lives are a struggle in grinding poverty, feeding and caring for children, holding families and communities together under the most testing of circumstances. I feel the young warrioresses roaring against the machine, eyes unwavering from truth. I feel the grandmothers steeped in wisdom sitting on the earth listening and singing their prayers. I feel the mountains and stars and oceans dancing with us.
Mothers, daughters, sisters, lovers. Goddesses, maidens, crones. We all chose to be part of this spectacular exploration here on planet earth.
 
To all the brave, beautiful, fierce and tender women that hold and create Life – in our wombs, through our hands and our hearts, I bow to you. We are interwoven across and through everything.
Love everyone, anyway, as much as possible. Love wholly, completely and fearlessly, in the sweet short precious moments we are privileged to share with one another. 
This is what Life is, what permeates everything, whether we believe we are alone or have beloveds we can pull close and caress. This is the fire and air that fills us.
Be bold and tender; fierce and utterly vulnerable; be You; shakti soaked, earth shaking; deep, dark and blinding light; unafraid of our vastness. Celebrating Her presence in us all.

Creating new paradigms around mothering is at the heart of my soul’s mission. As this touches every being on this planet, it is a path that demands all and that brings forth the most ancient patterns.

Each day – not just “Mother’s Day”, may we pause in our breath, in our hearts, inviting the full expression of the Divine Feminine to move through our beings and into Gaia, her grids of light and beyond. May She do so in balance and union with the all encompassing Loving Presence of Divine Father.

And so it is.
And so it shall be.

 

Helen offers herself in service to Life through one to one meetings, group gatherings, global events and activations. Connect at facebook or her site.