I have hesitated to attempt to express what I am about to , either verbally or through writing. I have sensed that it is already way beyond my mind’s ability to encompass and that any attempt at expression with only bring in limitations. And partly because of this knowing, it now feels important to enter this anyway. Knowing anything that comes forth can only be partial at best…The knowing is in my heart. Not my mind. Can I articulate the unlimited heart….?
Two weeks ago I returned to the Orgiva valley, this time on a personal spiritual retreat. Idyllic yes, but with it came my own challenges-of the-making. Exploring my expectations of myself and my time there; listening to the whisperings of my inner demons; dancing between focus and spontaneity; form and freedom, all the while staying true to my intent to go deep into myself, into the Divine.
On my first day, as I bought provisions for myself and a friend who was also using the time for personal retreat, I came out of the health food shop. Glancing at the noticeboard crammed with posters and adverts, one jumped out immediately. I was drawn by the smiling face of a young woman, almost child-like, struck by her innocent joy and how young she seemed. The wording was entirely in Spanish but I understood enough to know that daily satsangs were being offered in the town and to understand this is in a house named “Finca de La Luz” dedicated to the Divine Mother. For a number of years it has been clear that my path dances around the Divine Feminine; supporting Her return and embodiment on the Earth. She teaches me daily and weaves through every aspect of my LIfe. I am also here to bring Light, to anchor more Divine Light through my being, with others, onto the planet; to be a “lighthouse”! So… with all of these hefty “nudges” from the Universe, I made a mental note of her name and when I got back to the farm where I was staying, tried to find her online. All my endeavours failed…
I entered into the dance of the week. Ceremonies and meditations, honouring the solstice and full moon. Thrilled to await her rising, breathless, over the mountains on the horizon. I played with the clear, cool waters of the river; drummed and journeyed with the ancient olive trees …all wonderful teachers. I meditated on the rooftop under the sun, gazing at the mighty Sierra Lujar and the mountains cradling the valley; I healed and rested; walked, ran and danced; I gathered armfulls of oranges fallen from the farm’s trees, and squeezed fresh juice to drink each day. On occasion, I dipped into the town and people-watched, fascinated…I read over past journals, marvelling at all I have already within. Have always had.
All the while, I had not forgotten that poster. It floated at the back of my mind. But I did not want to bring pressure of being tied to anything; to truly give my soul the gift of being in the flow…On the second last day, I was in the town again and somehow back at the health shop checking the poster details. Saraswathi Ma….(Saraswat(h)i is the Hindu Goddess of knowledge or wisdom. ) I asked in the shop to be told the satsang was just a few minutes from the winding track where we were actually based on the farm. Another ” sign” I felt. This time, I wrote the details and number and was even drawn a detailed map of where to go! I got home and immediately got online. I found to my dismay that satsang was on five days a week – not that day nor the next when we left. I had missed it! I called nonetheless and explained to the person I spoke to. She gave me another number, this time for an English speaking woman. I explained to her again (over a very poor mobile connection) and asked if there was any way I could even meet Saraswathi. A few calls back and forth ensued. Then it turned out Saraswthi had just decided spontaneously, thirty minutes before I called, to offer a short satsang that afternoon with the women living in the house. I was invited to join them.
I have been blessed with many experiences over recent years of deep knowings, guidance from my heart, that may make little – or no – “sense” to my mind. This was without doubt one of them. I did not know why. Nor did I have any expectations, but I knew, without doubt, I had to be there. In the hour or two before I went, I watched a short interview of Saraswathi describing some of her journey. I knew that it was so important that I meet her directly, in person. Not just to read her book or watch something online. I knew this was about directly experiencing, direct revelation. I showered, changed and prepared to make the short walk along the track to where the map showed. As time moved on, my belly reinforced the significance of what was unfolding. As I walked under the mid-afternoon sun, I felt as if I was going to an “execution”. I felt the fear in my belly…the “healthy” fear of taking a step, that is vital, yet unknown; one that carries great potency. My body gave me further evidence that I was exactly where I was meant to be. I called on the earth to support and ground me, taking my time, not wanting to be too early.
The English woman I’d spoken with had arranged to wait outside the gate for me. No sign of her, I waited, centring, breathing, standing in shade under some trees. Time moved on nearer the four pm start time with no sign of anyone. I had already checked up and down the track in case there was another house that could be the one as on the map. Eventually I managed to call on my mobile. After a lot of confusion, it emerged that I had been told totally the wrong location. The Satsang was starting, but it was on completely the other side of the town – perhaps twenty five minutes walk or more. It was not clear if I would be be able to join, if I found it and got there but I know I had no choice other than to try.
So I ran. Under the hot sun, Through the river, Through the sleeping siesta-filled alleys of the town. Past shuttered shops. I ran. And ran. All the while, repeating to myself “All is well. All is well.” Praying for direction and guidance to find the Finca down another long track somewhere on the other side of town. I knew I was a “crazy” sight, running in the hottest part of the day, through deserted streets and along dusty tracks, yet also knew it was perfect. Exactly as meant. And totally unattached. If I got there and it was not to be, it was not to be. As I ran, I could smile at the humour in how I’d been given a “map”, and relaxed with this…..yet now found myself running in a completely different direction. I ran. I sweated. I didn’t check the time (no point). And at some point, there it was – “Finca de la Luz” (The Lighthouse). Pulling over the gate, I made my way across the garden to the porch and slipped off my sandals (tricky to run in!) laying them beside the others lined up. I paused to take some deep breaths before , as quietly as I could, stepping into the room.
Dropping instantly into the shift of space, I was aware of a small circle of women, most on the floor, some seated. I saw an empty cushion and sat, silently acknowledging some of the other women with thanks. I became aware of Saraswathi opposite my place and we connected silently, steadily. I let my eyes close, my breath steady and deepen, aware of sweat seeping down my head and body. As my heart rate and breathing steadied, I found myself opening into the most beautiful space of love, coolness, peace. Whisps of fragrances teased past – mint, lemon and others unknown , cool breezes came and went, and all the while the most exquisite sensation of tender love and profound peace, emanating from my heart centre, spread through my being, permeating my whole awareness.
And from here, I have no words. Because what I experienced was beyond form. Beyond knowing. Yet so, so soft. Dropping into a space of such peace and beauty, time had no meaning. After some period, one or two of the women were moved to offer questions, reflections. All utterly pertinent (of course) to my “self”. And I experienced Saraswathi. I experienced the Mother. I experienced “me”. The Mother flowing and expressed through the one before me and the one I am. Profound wisdom, flowing from a depth of embodiment I had never experienced in person. Wisdom founded on such a depth of knowing it took my breath away. And love, such deeply healing, present, fearless love.
There were moments where we gazed into each other eyes for a long, long time. All else dropped away. Tears ran silently down my cheeks. Pure love. Beyond form. The experience of being and oneness beyond limitation. Aware at times of my ego’s fear arising in this field of unlimited Being. And feeling them subside into the oneness of love. This was – is – beyond “self”, beyond knowing. Experiencing the Mother. As “her”. As “me”. Losing all illusion of separation.
Held in a timeless circle, each of us was drawn deeper into Being, beyond Self. A circle of perfect Divine souls, seeing each other in Truth. And afterwards, we spoke. Acknowledging what was meant to be. Exchanging gratitude. Laughing at the synchronicities that unfolded. Many doors opening for the future but mostly just resting in love and gratitude for this moment.
There is no neat conclusion to this “story” of course. I strolled back the same road I had earlier ran through, panting, sweating under the hot sun, unsure where I was headed, overflowing with both gratitude and stillness, such an open-ness of being. Allowing all that had unfolded to begin to filter through my body. Precious jewels, I sense I have regained knowing at a depth it may take an unknown time to assimilate. Remembering through the Divine mirror. By the next day or two , I notice my ego mind already trying to reduce and question the experience. It was truly challenged. But the truth is lodged in a deep, deep part of my heart. A seed that will continue to flourish.
I have no idea how this will flow through my life, other than that we will meet again. Of course. And go deeper. This is but the beginning. I suspect Saraswathi was an important factor in why I was guided back to Orgiva at that time, as she is there giving Satsang from June until November. I have her book now, trembling, waiting before I dive in. Yet again, Life shows me that when I listen…to the whispers..the urges..the calls of my heart..and trust…miracles can – and do – appear. When I slow down into the divine rhythm, soften, quieten, all unfolds.. enfolded, embraced in the Sacred Mother.
May you meet and remember your truth, your light.
Do connect through facebook or my website. I support groups and individuals on our journey to remember and embody our light.
You can explore Saraswathi Ma through her website. She is offering Satsangs in Orgiva, Spain until November then in UK and globally.