Tag Archives: knowing

Fasting – One experience

embodied feminineI am drawn to share with you my recent experience of fasting which has been revelatory on many levels and deeply positive. Of course these are uniquely personal but perhaps will resonate and assist in some way. I was touched and amazed at the synchronicity as I decided to fast, of many soul family also doing so and the circle we hold for one another is ever present.

I had the idea to fast perhaps for a day, then maybe three prior to my forthcoming travels, but it became obvious in one moment that I was to go into fast in in alignment with the last full moon and also synching in with the fast of soul family also. They were fasting for seven days, which they had done previously just a few weeks ago. I believed this to be most likely way beyond something I would attempt. All perfectly orchestrated of course, so I had no time to pre-plan or think in depth, but simply flowed. I had witnessed a lessened appetite for a long time. Paradoxically I found I tended to overeat at times as I was not eating in alignment with natural hunger.

In my early twenties I had – like many young women – a period of issues with food and weight control – so I am cautious about how I move with any food “regime”, wary of control or prescriptive practices that only serve to dissociate from the rhythms of my body and Being. So my intent was very much to listen, to watch and to do what truly felt aligned for my Being in this now. The purpose was very much to prepare my physical vessel to hold higher light and new templates for the forthcoming light work and journey to US/Hawaii which I know is hugely significant.

And how fascinating and nurturing it was. Moment to moment.

I entered with no set “agenda” of time. I had three days shown to me but previously I had only fasted once for 36 hours so I aimed to have no expectations and truly align with my body and Being. My first fast was done in very supportive circumstances, on retreat, in silence, able to rest and flow as required On that fast I felt very weak, extremely slowed down and quite shaky. Nevertheless I could feel how good it was for all of me and felt motivated to fast on a weekly basis but was deterred at the reality of combining with family life and cooking for four children daily.

I found this a completely different experience and much easier than might be expected.One that my body truly embraced. Also that I went much deeper. The first day especially was very interesting in watching the mental patterns and habitual impulses to just reach out and put something in my mouth.  And the impulse towards food felt very light and superficial actually. I observed and experienced hunger – which was not acute – seeing how it comes and goes. I witnessed the programming and conditioning more clearly than ever. And the layers of emotional patterns interwoven with food. I felt good, bright and really energised. Not cold or shaky. I experienced very little in the way of physical detox nor hunger discomfort.

In my first fast I thought a lot about food and what I would eat! This time not so at all. Another releasing of attachments. I saw that my body welcomed the fast. I needed to eat much less than I might have believed.

From the day before full moon I had a three day period of intense emotional releasing. It was very educational to watch this when not eating – and the impulses to self comfort and soothe through food. Being asked to be with the emptiness and the pain fully.

And also observing what it is to remove “food” from one’s day…how much is structured around it and the empty space that comes in when it is not there.

For three days I had water and herbal teas only. And what appreciation grows for such simple pleasures, and the exquisiteness of cool fresh water. I found the second two nights I experienced great vibration through my body and didn’t sleep well. Extremely lucid dreams. And on night three strong womb clearing.

On waking Day 3 and 4 I was shaky and hot. The waves of heat surprised me as I tend to coldness, especially when not eating much but clearly there was intense releasing. Day 3 I was guided to first of all have lemon juice and hot water and then I was fine. Day four I knew my body needed something more grounding. The shaking was more extreme and uncomfortable. And I had a few spells of feeling overcome. I knew the experience should not be an ordeal and to honour what my body was revealing.

I only needed literally a mouthful – an oatcake and nut butter – to feel well. Not hungry but re-integrating. I had a wonderful supportive massage and with this realized I had not been so in my body. Also that I needed to be still, quiet and inward and to eat another snack to ground in. In flowed sadness, very different from the earlier intense releases – both heavy and light at the same time, and very ancient. I watched and felt it quietly and the call to deeper self love and compassion.

A long spell of self healing led me to follow guidance to eat something again grounding in the evening. Not that I was even hungry but it felt nourishing to my body. And brought me more to Earth. I noticed very much that part of this sadness was the call to come into the physical density. Timeless, without end. And my resistance to this…

Deeper release came – of low, negative web patterns and rage…into pure joy and peace later through facilitating my light group.

I slept noticeably better and had no expectations as to whether I would continue having eaten something. In fact I just went with the flow and my body wanted little. Day 5 and 6 I had a small amount of fresh juice at some point in the afternoon when my body asked, then a small, nutritious meal later which tasted Divine and so nourishing.

I watched the thoughts that said I am forever changed in my relationship to food, then laughed as a jar of marshmallows in the kitchen cupboard almost immediately caught my attention, making me smile at how quickly the ego can attach onto any belief.

The energetic, emotional and spiritual processes over these days were most fascinating for me. When the body was quiet, meditation was indeed effortless. The first day especially I wanted only to be looking inward, deeper and deeper. The inflows of energies were huge throughout and I was more acutely aware of the vibratory resonance throughout my cells and light body. I truly experienced myself more completely as light and vibration. I am so grateful for the circle that came together with soul family and connected daily for three days supporting our initiations, further light activations and unique yet wholly inter-connected journeys.

Most wonderful of all were the Himalayan salt baths which I had most days. I moved out of the hologram and though dimensions, dissolving, traveling. Day four I awoke to visual phenomena. Not hallucinations as such, just shifting perceptions.

I felt into the space inside –not in my “belly” but in my whole Being. Saw how much “I” can try to fill the space, can be fearful of it. The void….that can feel like such sadness and emptiness but also unlimited pure Source field. And how this feels much more aligned and natural than the many ways I – and many of us can disassociate, numb out and attempt to “fill” ourselves.

Kundalini activations linked into burning and constriction in the spine which continues after the fast. Yoga as always helps. Though my energy was great, I feel more strength now too having taken in some food.

I am being guided already to do another fast soon. With more of a focus on physical clearing. That this was a “warm up”… 😉 Our guides are so smart. I would have been amazed to think I could have done what I did so relatively easily. I also feel much more aligned to eating truly with my own flow. I didn’t have the luxury of clear and free space to support the flow of my Being which would be ideal yet still I was amazed to watch how it unfolded, how easy it was in many ways and how supported I felt.

At this point I feel – know – I am permanently changed. In terms of mental programming and emotional responses, physical wellbeing and balance and most certainly in terms of my vibrational frequency and capacity to embody light. I have a deeper understanding of how to listen to what my Being actually requires and to pay attention to what is story or fear based programming.

At the core for me requires to be the feminine path, of listening, softness, flow. Not pushing and also watching closely the subtle ways ego can come in and the many ways the mental programmes can attempt to divert and hold us. Whilst at the same time holding great strength and focus. So I will listen, feel and honour as best as I can, ever deeper. Loving this Being. Loving the opportunity to be in a body on this wonderful planet. Loving the circles of Life that hold us all infinitely as we weave and dance.


Connect with Helen on her website or facebook





Across Universes

star brothers and sistersOh my love, my Soul

We were blasted to opposite corners of the Universes

My arms reaching out

Calling for you, calling

From the depths of my Being

But you could not hear


And so we continued,

always in service,

always the light,

traveling through time and space


Until this moment when we find each other once again in form on the earth plane.


Oh the bittersweet miracle of finding Beloveds from across the stars

to meet in the one heart,

beyond all time

only to have to let go once again.


For you are not fully here

only small fragments of the vastness I know you to be

of all I experience you as

cloaked in the garments of humanness as we all are


Can I keep this raw heart wide open

no matter what?

to find you…to let you go again and again?


In knowing the Love that you are

that we are

my human heart breaks a little that once again you cannot hear

cannot see

but glimpses…


In New Earth there is no wanting,

only Being

and so my heart becomes the Cosmos

and I release you once again,

as I have done before

to be free

to be the light that you are


In truth, releasing my own self

from the false ties to human-ness,

knowing there is never any separation,

that we are perfect Love.


For Love is infinite letting go

into That which Is

and has always been.


Helen Quail 25.1.15

Connect with Helen on facebook or her website.

I Am Love

Divine loveI am Love.

I am Light.

I am the Truth of the One and there is no one that can show me this nor know this as only this One can. This One within and without. This One that holds and carries.

That weeps.

That cleans.

That bears children and watches them grow tenderly as plants.

This One that stands at the window looking out, watching the trees sway in the winds.

This One that walks.

I am this One and no Other. For it is so,

And in the Knowing , comes Truth.

And in this Knowing, comes all Wisdom.

For it is all within dear One, make no mistake. Your mind plays great games of untruth; of twisting, turning and trying to hide away the light that you are. But it can never hide this, nor contain it nor “forget it”.

For it is as vast as the vastest ocean and more. As the Universe beyond Universes; as all the Cosmos; all Creation.

For this is “You”. This One. Expressed through these cells, on this planet, breathing air, making sounds, touching skin, loving.

This is Love.

You are Love.

Be not afraid of the Love that you are. For it is everything. Quite literally. Everything.

And it is All. Contains All.

Not just the light, the joy, but the depths of aching, loss, pain , aliveness. All of it.

Be not afraid  – of “failure”. Of emptiness. Of not knowing.

These are all of the mind. The Heart does not know fear – that is only the emotional heart.

The Heart cannot judge. The Heart cannot run.

It just. Is.

And this is what you are “doing”….

Through Luminosa, Helen Howie  works to expand consciousness, light and love on the planet – through collective healing work; seminars and individual consultations globally. See facebook or email to connect further.

Mother of Angels

Mother of Angels

“She” is not “there”.

She is here in my Heart. One with the angels and the Light of All.

There is no separation for we have always been so and soon it will reveal.

Mother of Love. Of Compassion without form.

It is all I Am, in You.

Mother of One, there is no separation. For Truth cannot be divided.

In my Heart it is known – has always been so – and now is the time of remembering.

Be as this. Be “I” you cry. Yet still be that of your Heart.

There is no other in this world who can be as you are. We are woven. We are One. We are never apart.

I love you.

Connect to Helen through facebook or her website. She offers individual and group healing sessions; workshops and online events globally – in person or through skype.

For it is not I

For it is not I that sits at the foot of this tree,

cradled by its laden boughs,

surrounded by its garlands of softly fallen autumn goldness

a carpet of harvest forthcomings of time and light.

It is not I

For I am not.

One is here. One is through this crisp-edged leaf before these eyes

Through the soft dappling of sunlight, paddling across the grass

Through the hum of the traffic, the noises heard.

It is not I

For there is no I.

One is awakening within All.


Do connect through my website or facebook page.


Being and Becoming


I already Am.

I am already Born.

And at the same time creating, shaping and contributing to the evolution of All that Is.

Who is this One?

Here is a body, so familiar. And the mind, producing thoughts, impulses. So known. The sea of known-ness. But it is not “I”.

What is this “I”?

Formless. It has always been. It has already been clothed within a personality, a culture, a social identity. But “this”, that spark, formlessness, has always been and is beyond all being in the Now. But can only be experienced and contacted in the Now.

How to stay connected? For One cannot hold on to any thing, any one, any moment. For Life Is.

Life is a movement. It moves. If flows. It is beyond time.

It is not “this”. What is it?

What is knowing? True unchanging knowing? Truth?

Know what you know until you know something else. Be alert for the mind seizing knowing and pushing it into a form or particular action. Allow knowing to come, to arise from the deepest, limitless One. Watch closely the different vibration of the mind and the heart to differentiate the true voice.

And knowing and Truth is there. It has never gone. Being is there. Here.

And in the Being is the becoming. And so it is.

Do connect through my website or facebook.

Truth and the Inexpressible – Meeting the Divine Mother


I have hesitated to attempt to express what I am about to , either verbally or through writing. I have sensed that it is already way beyond my mind’s ability to encompass and that any attempt at expression with only bring in limitations. And partly because of this knowing, it now feels important to enter this anyway. Knowing anything that comes forth can only be partial at best…The knowing is in my heart. Not my mind. Can I articulate the unlimited heart….?

Two weeks ago I returned to the Orgiva valley, this time on a personal spiritual retreat. Idyllic yes, but with it came my own challenges-of the-making. Exploring my expectations of myself and my time there; listening to the whisperings of my inner demons; dancing between focus and spontaneity; form and freedom, all the while staying true to my intent to go deep into myself, into the Divine.

On my first day, as I bought provisions for myself and a friend who was also using the time for personal retreat, I came out of the health food shop. Glancing at the noticeboard crammed with posters and adverts, one jumped out immediately. I was drawn by the smiling face of a young woman, almost child-like, struck by her innocent joy and how young she seemed. The wording was entirely in Spanish but I understood enough to know that daily satsangs were being offered in the town and to understand this is in a house named “Finca de La Luz” dedicated to the Divine Mother. For a number of years it has been clear that my path dances around the Divine Feminine; supporting Her return and embodiment on the Earth. She teaches me daily and weaves through every aspect of my LIfe. I am also here to bring Light, to anchor more Divine Light through my being, with others, onto the planet; to be a “lighthouse”! So… with all of these hefty “nudges” from the Universe, I made a mental note of her name and when I got back to the farm where I was staying, tried to find her online. All my endeavours failed…

I entered into the dance of the week. Ceremonies and meditations, honouring the solstice and full moon. Thrilled to await her rising, breathless, over the mountains on the horizon. I  played with the clear, cool waters of the river; drummed and journeyed with the ancient olive trees …all wonderful teachers. I meditated on the rooftop under the sun, gazing at the mighty Sierra Lujar and the mountains cradling the valley; I healed and rested; walked, ran and danced; I gathered armfulls of oranges fallen from the farm’s trees, and squeezed fresh juice to drink each day. On occasion, I  dipped into the town and people-watched, fascinated…I read over past journals, marvelling at all I have already within. Have always had.

All the while, I had not forgotten that poster. It floated at the back of my mind. But I did not want to bring pressure of being tied to anything; to truly give my soul the gift of being in the flow…On the second last day, I was in the town again and somehow back at the health shop checking the poster details. Saraswathi Ma….(Saraswat(h)i is the Hindu Goddess of knowledge or wisdom. ) I asked in the shop to be told the satsang was just a few minutes from the winding track where we were actually based on the farm. Another ” sign” I felt. This time, I wrote the details and number and was even drawn a detailed map of where to go! I got home and immediately got online. I found to my dismay that satsang was on five days a week – not that day nor the next when we left. I had missed it! I called nonetheless and explained to the person I spoke to. She gave me another number, this time for an English speaking woman. I explained to her again (over a very poor mobile connection) and asked if there was any way I could even meet Saraswathi. A few calls back and forth ensued. Then it turned out Saraswthi had just decided spontaneously, thirty minutes before I called, to offer a short satsang that afternoon with the women living in the house. I was invited to join them.

I have been blessed with many experiences over recent years of deep knowings, guidance from my heart, that may make little – or no – “sense” to my mind. This was without doubt one of them. I did not know why. Nor did I have any expectations, but I knew, without doubt, I had to be there. In the hour or two before I went, I watched a short interview of Saraswathi describing some of her journey. I knew that it was so important that I meet her directly, in person. Not just to read her book or watch something online. I knew this was about directly experiencing, direct revelation. I showered, changed and prepared to make the short walk along the track to where the map showed. As time moved on, my belly reinforced the significance of what was unfolding. As I walked under the mid-afternoon sun, I felt as if I was going to an “execution”. I felt the fear in my belly…the “healthy” fear of taking a step, that is vital, yet unknown; one that carries great potency. My body gave me further evidence that I was exactly where I was meant to be. I called on the earth to support and ground me, taking my time, not wanting to be too early.

The English woman I’d spoken with had arranged to wait outside the gate for me. No sign of her, I waited, centring, breathing, standing in shade under some trees. Time moved on nearer the four pm start time with no sign of anyone. I had already checked up and down the track in case there was another house that could be the one as on the map. Eventually I managed to call on my mobile. After a lot of confusion, it emerged that I had been told totally the wrong location. The Satsang was starting, but it was on completely the other side of the town – perhaps twenty five minutes walk or more. It was not clear if I would be be able to join, if  I found it and got there but I know I had no choice other than to try.

So I ran. Under the hot sun, Through the river, Through the sleeping siesta-filled alleys of the town. Past shuttered shops. I ran. And ran. All the while, repeating to myself “All is well. All is well.” Praying for direction and guidance to find the Finca down another long track somewhere on the other side of town. I knew I was a “crazy” sight, running in the hottest part of the day, through deserted streets and along dusty tracks, yet also knew it was perfect. Exactly as meant. And totally unattached. If I got there and it was not to be, it was not to be. As I ran, I could smile at the humour in how I’d been given a “map”, and relaxed with this…..yet now found myself running in a completely different direction. I ran.  I sweated. I didn’t check the time (no point). And at some point, there it was – “Finca de la Luz” (The Lighthouse). Pulling over the gate, I made my way across the garden to the porch and slipped off my sandals (tricky to run in!) laying them beside the others lined up. I paused to take some deep breaths before , as quietly as I could, stepping into the room.

ImageDropping instantly into the shift of space, I was aware of a small circle of women, most on the floor, some seated. I saw an empty cushion and sat, silently acknowledging some of the other women with thanks. I became aware of Saraswathi opposite my place and we connected silently, steadily. I let my eyes close, my breath steady and deepen, aware of sweat seeping down my head and body. As my heart rate and breathing steadied, I found myself opening into the most beautiful space of love, coolness, peace. Whisps of fragrances teased past – mint, lemon and others unknown , cool breezes came and went, and all the while the most exquisite sensation of tender love and profound peace, emanating from my heart centre, spread through my being, permeating my whole awareness.

And from here, I have no words. Because what I experienced was beyond form. Beyond knowing. Yet so, so soft. Dropping into a space of such peace and beauty, time had no meaning. After some period, one or two of the women were moved to offer questions, reflections. All utterly pertinent (of course) to my “self”. And I experienced Saraswathi. I experienced the Mother. I experienced “me”. The Mother flowing and expressed through the one before me and the one I am. Profound wisdom, flowing from a depth of embodiment I had never experienced in person. Wisdom founded on such a depth of knowing it took my breath away. And love, such deeply healing, present, fearless love.

There were moments where we gazed into each other eyes for a long, long time. All else dropped away. Tears ran silently down my cheeks. Pure love. Beyond form. The experience of being and oneness beyond limitation. Aware at times of my ego’s fear arising in this field of unlimited Being. And feeling them subside into the oneness of love. This was – is – beyond “self”, beyond knowing.  Experiencing the Mother. As “her”. As “me”. Losing all illusion of separation.

Held in a timeless circle, each of us was drawn deeper into Being, beyond Self. A circle of perfect Divine souls, seeing each other in Truth. And afterwards, we spoke. Acknowledging what was meant to be. Exchanging gratitude. Laughing at the synchronicities that unfolded. Many doors opening for the future but mostly just resting in love and gratitude for this moment.

There is no neat conclusion to this “story” of course. I strolled back the same road I had earlier ran through, panting, sweating under the hot sun, unsure where I was headed, overflowing with both gratitude and stillness, such an open-ness of being. Allowing all that had unfolded to begin to filter through my body. Precious jewels, I sense I have regained knowing at a depth it may take an unknown time to assimilate. Remembering through the Divine mirror. By the next day or two , I notice my ego mind already trying to reduce and question the experience. It was truly challenged. But the truth is lodged in a deep, deep part of my heart. A seed that will continue to flourish.

I have no idea how this will flow through my life, other than that we will meet again. Of course. And go deeper. This is but the beginning.  I suspect Saraswathi was an important factor in why I was guided back to Orgiva at that time, as she is there giving Satsang from June until November. I have her book now, trembling, waiting before I dive in. Yet again, Life shows me that when I listen…to the whispers..the urges..the calls of my heart..and trust…miracles can – and do – appear. When I slow down into the divine rhythm, soften, quieten, all unfolds.. enfolded, embraced in the Sacred Mother.

May you meet and remember your truth, your light.

Do connect through facebook or my website. I support groups and individuals on our journey to remember and embody our light.

You can explore Saraswathi Ma through her website. She is offering Satsangs in Orgiva, Spain until November then in UK and globally.