Tag Archives: mother

Mother of Mine


Mother of Mine

Mother of all

You’ve tended us so carefully

So we don’t fall.

Caught us and loved us

and held us so tight

When the fears and the darkness loom in the night.


Mother of mine

both human and Divine,

always so humble, giving and kind,

You gave so many years to us all.

So many hours,

so many tears

were wiped away by the hand that knows only Love.


Mother of mine,

I am so grateful you are here

and even in death you chose well and clear.

So we have these moments, these hours, these days

to thank you and love you for teaching your ways.


Ways based on faith in the guiding Love of the Divine

on serving and giving with no thought of self.

Your strength, majestic as a mountain,

your grace like a billowing leaf

you inspire each of us

to reach for the Truth


Mother of Mine,

Beloved Divine

in your human-ness you are loved and cared for

till your last breath becomes one

with the great Cosmic breath.

A pulse that never ends

and will reverberate through my blood for ever.


Mother of Mine.



Dedicated to my mother, Mary on her 77th birthday today.


Helen serves consciousness as called. The forms include energy healing, Presence, transmissions, gatherings and writings. She is honoured to connect through facebook or her site, where you can also sign up for very occasional mailings on her schedule and offerings.


Awakened Mother

Magdalena - source George Yepes

Art – Georges Yepes

The sacred sexuality inherent in the Mother Goddess archetype is one of the most potent aspects of femininity being reawakened – or more accurately – reclaimed in this time. She – as mother –love- nurturer has been separated from the potency of the rich alchemical fire of eroticism for many, many generations. The patriarchal forces knew that this separation was a most effective way to “castrate” her; to neutralise the infinite fires pouring through Her in form.

As women today, we have the opportunity in safety and in Sacred circle and in the sanctuary of our own body space to reclaim our vehicles – every aspect of our physicality and sexuality. To touch every membrane, every cell and is doing so as a touch of pure unconditional love, to free the memories, thought patterns, wounds and sheer illumination contained in each.

Every being in human form came through a mother. Whether we have no conscious memory or experience of her, whatever our relationship has been or has not been she is the archetypal birther and destroyer; the nurturer and the Goddess. She holds us in our pain, rocks us tenderly, offers her mother’s milk.

And at her core, from her belly, is the incandescent, shimmering, fiery power of pure Shakti. The creative force, that which fertilises all into form. So many myths have been forged – of harlot- whore or ice maiden. So many distortions of the feminine cut off from the sexual- spiritual energy that literally is her beating heart, her pulsing rhythm.

Now sister, we call US home. All parts. No longer in any form of separation, of competition or judgement – all false structures designed to further separate and disempower the feminine.

Can we hold the sagging skin like an adoring lover?

Can we caress the mounds of flesh on our belly?

Tenderly kiss the scars on our hands that have tended so many? The wrinkles on our brow that mirror our never ending care?

Can we open our womb space to the purification of the fire? And dance as all burns?

Naked and as carefree as the young girl we once were;

as sensuously deliciously alive as the vibrant women we grew into;

embodying the wisdom of all grandmothers.

Beloved mothers, daughters, sisters, on this day I kneel on our Mother. I place my head on our flesh, her soil breathing gratitude with every breath. I honour Her. I honour you Beloved Sisters.

I honour you  Beloved Brothers. The endless sky that holds our earthly mother. I thank you for the gifts of this call home. Our returning, our purification, our fearless reclaiming of all of ourselves as Love. And we hold our hands to you, our partners on this dance, inviting you into the fire. All returning in to balance through the surrender to the fire.

Kaya ashee  aya mai te’y.

S’y koya tara ne ka

Meya ashee kara ne’y te’y

Se’y as a koh

Helen supports the expansion of light and anchoring of Divine Feminine frequencies in many ways including international gatherings, online events and light transmissions, one to one consultations and writing.  Connect with Helen through her site or facebook and sign up for an occasional  newsletter.



Die into birth

Xombie Xree


Time to fall in love

with Her

the Mother of All


The Void space

that is not head

that is not heart

that pulses both through her birth canal

in a frenzy of Love


Relentless, edgeless,

blood dripping




She asks for my tender forearm

the curve of my neck

the soft swell of my belly

the most, pungent places


That I have shown no-one.


She demands it all.

She devours it all.


She – I – replete in total disintegration

void and satied,

the birth canal is the total and complete yes,

the full owning of every pulse, turn, word


I die to Her.

I die into birth.



Helen serves in our remembering of truth through love in one to one work, transmissions,  and gatherings globally. Connect with Helen through her site or facebook.

The Dark Mother calls


Federica Poleti - Holy Ghost“To be Truly Born as the Dark Mother requires us to enter into the depths of our being as pure Love (beyond identification).

As we Truly Enter and Penetrate ourselves to the bottom, we meet the very ground of pain, which rests at the core of our Being – first as human, but in the dissolve of the body-identification ultimately as consciousness itself…..

It is the True End of Wanting, as we Fall in Love with the Dark Mother and come to truly rest our human bodies on the face of this Earth in the alignment between our recognition as Source itself – as God having penetrated Earth to come to Truly Rest as Him in Her” edited excerpt – Aisha Salem

As the last leaves soak into the soil of late autumn, Kali is calling, the Dark Mother, the Dark destroyer. A love that shies from nothing. No shadow. No shame.

A point from which there is no turning away. No place to hide.

There is only Her embrace where death and rebirth beckon.

I say “yes”.

A deeper Love of fierce and relentless passion. A fire that holds all colours, oceans of tears, the howls to the moon,  the wild dances, the light more brilliant than any galaxy. The places that have never been opened, deep, deep in the shadows.

This one gives all to Her.

To nourish my deepening and inner journey, I am not intending to offer public gatherings through winter 2015/16. I will still be available for one to one work globally via skype.

Contact Helen via her site.

slow it down

The Wheel Turns

Mother - Gustav KlintThis blog is one of the most “personal” I have shared and many may wonder why I do so. The answer – as always – is that I share the words when they need to be shared. When the flow comes and when I know they have to be offered. It may be but one soul that can receive. No matter. What matters is the speaking of my truth, from the heart. This is at the core of my serving in this lifetime.

Several years ago, on getting to know a new/old friend and her discovering that I have five children, she commented, “Wow, you must really LOVE being a mother!” This remark struck something core at that moment and has echoed with me these years in its inadvertent wisdom and invitation to explore layers of my Being and experiences.

Many who know me reflect on my natural ease and grace in mothering. I do love being a mother. My children have taught me more about love than anything else on this planet. But this has not been the motivating force behind my mothering. That force, I see with greater and greater clarity is Source itself, of course.

In truth, no – this is not an innate, organic urge to reproduce and care-take that has always been with me. I had no desire to have children – quite the opposite!  I disconnected from any conscious impulse to be a mother. This was an absorption of my parents conditioning and experiences rather than my own clear response.

At seventeen, as a University student emerging from a very turbulent last few teenage years, I found myself pregnant, “unplanned”. Now I can see the perfection of this – as everything in this life. A deep unconscious desire to be loved and needed was met in a daughter who would require lifelong and constant care. An angel – with “Angelman Syndrome” who would show me what Love really is. And be my first and greatest teacher in the power and beauty of letting go – in and as love.

The details will come another time but in letting her go, my resulting swallowing of grief, guilt and pain and my denial of Self as Mother led me ultimately into the total breakdown of my health. By the time I was in a wheelchair and had job, home, relationships and much else stripped away, I was finally waking to another way of Being.

Part of that healing was returning to reclaim Mother in me. This took long years, chronic illness, even a journey through the legal system until I literally placed myself before the highest court of my country, and owned the truth  that I was indeed a mother and a good mother. And through this healing of myself as Mother, came the very conscious conception and incarnation of my Beloved son, some seventeen years after my daughter.

Divine Mother

What has occurred throughout the time since  has been  a periodic calling ,  a specific powerful awakening of this impulse to bring forth life, to mother, in order to consciously facilitate each of five very special and powerful souls to find their way into this world. In the case of my adopted daughter – very especially to place her in the circumstances she needed to be to fulfill her mighty soul’s mission. Each calling has met various degree of internal resistance for a brief period until coming into alignment and embracing. Other than the way in which the sacred adoption of my daughter came forth, which was so massively forceful there truly was no space for any resistance or hesitation!

So I know so deeply that each of “my” children” is truly a gift from the Divine. A message, a blessing, a service, a gift beyond riches. The love I have for my children cannot be anything other than unlimited, unconditional and vaster than any other. There have been innumerable moments of utter magic, joy, tenderness and a fulfillment that fill up my heart in unique and precious ways.

I could write many, many pages on the miracle that they are and the gifts that mothering offers. I would give my life in a heartbeat for any one of my children. And I believe they know so.


What has been germinating for actually my entire life – I just wasn’t conscious of it – is the knowing that my service involves Being Mother, in a way that both holds and transcends the personal.

After caring for my first daughter for the first two and a half years of her life, I was completely ready and committed to devote my whole life to her care which would be constant. I considered no other choice. Then a gateway opened. A long and immensely painful journey ensued – which again is for my book rather than here – but in essence I learned that the true meaning of love is loving without attachment. Loving someone enough to set them free, let them go. We gave each other this gift, my daughter and I – of the purest unconditional love. She has never spoken a word for she speaks the truest language of the heart and is one of the most masterly teachers I have encountered.

Skipping ahead through the years of birthing and raising three sons and my adopted daughter, and my marriage coming to an end, there has been a more conscious knowing for a number of years that in order to fulfill what I came here for, I would again be required to let go. To entrust my children to Mother. To Life. To allow us all to be supported and cared for at the highest levels, so that love can continue but I can also serve as meant. And so it is. And now comes to pass.

After many, many months of tears, exploration, processing I require to be ready to be wrong, to make a mistake, I require to take the risk of stepping into the third stage of my life that is much more than selling the family home and leaving Scotland. At a practical level, my children are very fortunate as they have a beautiful father who loves them and can provide a stable family home for them. They too have a mother who loves them beyond what is possible to measure and will always, always be available in the ways that matter most. They know how to feel me and that separation is an illusion. They know they are so loved and welcomed with both their father and mother and there is always a place with either parent as and when this feels the right thing for them.

And this will support all of us in the face of collective judgement, much of it unspoken. Much of it projection of our own deepest fears and wounds around Mother and Father.

It is not that it is not entirely possible to integrate a high level of spiritual service with being entirely grounded in family life and there are mothers and fathers the world over doing just this. This has been my richest teaching ground on patience, love, truly embodying what I learn and really being present.

It is – very simply – the path set out for this soul. Whether it can ever be understood at levels other than heart or soul, or not. My conscious awakening began some twenty years ago. I am not meant to defer my call for another fifteen until my youngest is grown. The work is too important and it is needed now.

So we enter a different dance. One that will flow and change as each of these amazing beings grows through different life stages; as my path of service unfolds. But we will weave this dance together – a lifelong dance of love.

My children are not “my” children” but as Gibran says

“They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.”

They come through me but not from me.

To deny my Truth is to deny my soul. I have to answer to what I know, no matter how difficult this may appear. I cannot teach my children to deny their soul. I will not. And I feel them – their souls around me – as we honour the contract we made before birth, knowing deep within, however the human part may respond, that all is in Divine perfection.

I give All to Mother. All is held by Her. We walk as One .


Copyright Helen Quail   2.1.15

You can connect with Helen on her website or facebook

Truth and the Inexpressible – Meeting the Divine Mother


I have hesitated to attempt to express what I am about to , either verbally or through writing. I have sensed that it is already way beyond my mind’s ability to encompass and that any attempt at expression with only bring in limitations. And partly because of this knowing, it now feels important to enter this anyway. Knowing anything that comes forth can only be partial at best…The knowing is in my heart. Not my mind. Can I articulate the unlimited heart….?

Two weeks ago I returned to the Orgiva valley, this time on a personal spiritual retreat. Idyllic yes, but with it came my own challenges-of the-making. Exploring my expectations of myself and my time there; listening to the whisperings of my inner demons; dancing between focus and spontaneity; form and freedom, all the while staying true to my intent to go deep into myself, into the Divine.

On my first day, as I bought provisions for myself and a friend who was also using the time for personal retreat, I came out of the health food shop. Glancing at the noticeboard crammed with posters and adverts, one jumped out immediately. I was drawn by the smiling face of a young woman, almost child-like, struck by her innocent joy and how young she seemed. The wording was entirely in Spanish but I understood enough to know that daily satsangs were being offered in the town and to understand this is in a house named “Finca de La Luz” dedicated to the Divine Mother. For a number of years it has been clear that my path dances around the Divine Feminine; supporting Her return and embodiment on the Earth. She teaches me daily and weaves through every aspect of my LIfe. I am also here to bring Light, to anchor more Divine Light through my being, with others, onto the planet; to be a “lighthouse”! So… with all of these hefty “nudges” from the Universe, I made a mental note of her name and when I got back to the farm where I was staying, tried to find her online. All my endeavours failed…

I entered into the dance of the week. Ceremonies and meditations, honouring the solstice and full moon. Thrilled to await her rising, breathless, over the mountains on the horizon. I  played with the clear, cool waters of the river; drummed and journeyed with the ancient olive trees …all wonderful teachers. I meditated on the rooftop under the sun, gazing at the mighty Sierra Lujar and the mountains cradling the valley; I healed and rested; walked, ran and danced; I gathered armfulls of oranges fallen from the farm’s trees, and squeezed fresh juice to drink each day. On occasion, I  dipped into the town and people-watched, fascinated…I read over past journals, marvelling at all I have already within. Have always had.

All the while, I had not forgotten that poster. It floated at the back of my mind. But I did not want to bring pressure of being tied to anything; to truly give my soul the gift of being in the flow…On the second last day, I was in the town again and somehow back at the health shop checking the poster details. Saraswathi Ma….(Saraswat(h)i is the Hindu Goddess of knowledge or wisdom. ) I asked in the shop to be told the satsang was just a few minutes from the winding track where we were actually based on the farm. Another ” sign” I felt. This time, I wrote the details and number and was even drawn a detailed map of where to go! I got home and immediately got online. I found to my dismay that satsang was on five days a week – not that day nor the next when we left. I had missed it! I called nonetheless and explained to the person I spoke to. She gave me another number, this time for an English speaking woman. I explained to her again (over a very poor mobile connection) and asked if there was any way I could even meet Saraswathi. A few calls back and forth ensued. Then it turned out Saraswthi had just decided spontaneously, thirty minutes before I called, to offer a short satsang that afternoon with the women living in the house. I was invited to join them.

I have been blessed with many experiences over recent years of deep knowings, guidance from my heart, that may make little – or no – “sense” to my mind. This was without doubt one of them. I did not know why. Nor did I have any expectations, but I knew, without doubt, I had to be there. In the hour or two before I went, I watched a short interview of Saraswathi describing some of her journey. I knew that it was so important that I meet her directly, in person. Not just to read her book or watch something online. I knew this was about directly experiencing, direct revelation. I showered, changed and prepared to make the short walk along the track to where the map showed. As time moved on, my belly reinforced the significance of what was unfolding. As I walked under the mid-afternoon sun, I felt as if I was going to an “execution”. I felt the fear in my belly…the “healthy” fear of taking a step, that is vital, yet unknown; one that carries great potency. My body gave me further evidence that I was exactly where I was meant to be. I called on the earth to support and ground me, taking my time, not wanting to be too early.

The English woman I’d spoken with had arranged to wait outside the gate for me. No sign of her, I waited, centring, breathing, standing in shade under some trees. Time moved on nearer the four pm start time with no sign of anyone. I had already checked up and down the track in case there was another house that could be the one as on the map. Eventually I managed to call on my mobile. After a lot of confusion, it emerged that I had been told totally the wrong location. The Satsang was starting, but it was on completely the other side of the town – perhaps twenty five minutes walk or more. It was not clear if I would be be able to join, if  I found it and got there but I know I had no choice other than to try.

So I ran. Under the hot sun, Through the river, Through the sleeping siesta-filled alleys of the town. Past shuttered shops. I ran. And ran. All the while, repeating to myself “All is well. All is well.” Praying for direction and guidance to find the Finca down another long track somewhere on the other side of town. I knew I was a “crazy” sight, running in the hottest part of the day, through deserted streets and along dusty tracks, yet also knew it was perfect. Exactly as meant. And totally unattached. If I got there and it was not to be, it was not to be. As I ran, I could smile at the humour in how I’d been given a “map”, and relaxed with this…..yet now found myself running in a completely different direction. I ran.  I sweated. I didn’t check the time (no point). And at some point, there it was – “Finca de la Luz” (The Lighthouse). Pulling over the gate, I made my way across the garden to the porch and slipped off my sandals (tricky to run in!) laying them beside the others lined up. I paused to take some deep breaths before , as quietly as I could, stepping into the room.

ImageDropping instantly into the shift of space, I was aware of a small circle of women, most on the floor, some seated. I saw an empty cushion and sat, silently acknowledging some of the other women with thanks. I became aware of Saraswathi opposite my place and we connected silently, steadily. I let my eyes close, my breath steady and deepen, aware of sweat seeping down my head and body. As my heart rate and breathing steadied, I found myself opening into the most beautiful space of love, coolness, peace. Whisps of fragrances teased past – mint, lemon and others unknown , cool breezes came and went, and all the while the most exquisite sensation of tender love and profound peace, emanating from my heart centre, spread through my being, permeating my whole awareness.

And from here, I have no words. Because what I experienced was beyond form. Beyond knowing. Yet so, so soft. Dropping into a space of such peace and beauty, time had no meaning. After some period, one or two of the women were moved to offer questions, reflections. All utterly pertinent (of course) to my “self”. And I experienced Saraswathi. I experienced the Mother. I experienced “me”. The Mother flowing and expressed through the one before me and the one I am. Profound wisdom, flowing from a depth of embodiment I had never experienced in person. Wisdom founded on such a depth of knowing it took my breath away. And love, such deeply healing, present, fearless love.

There were moments where we gazed into each other eyes for a long, long time. All else dropped away. Tears ran silently down my cheeks. Pure love. Beyond form. The experience of being and oneness beyond limitation. Aware at times of my ego’s fear arising in this field of unlimited Being. And feeling them subside into the oneness of love. This was – is – beyond “self”, beyond knowing.  Experiencing the Mother. As “her”. As “me”. Losing all illusion of separation.

Held in a timeless circle, each of us was drawn deeper into Being, beyond Self. A circle of perfect Divine souls, seeing each other in Truth. And afterwards, we spoke. Acknowledging what was meant to be. Exchanging gratitude. Laughing at the synchronicities that unfolded. Many doors opening for the future but mostly just resting in love and gratitude for this moment.

There is no neat conclusion to this “story” of course. I strolled back the same road I had earlier ran through, panting, sweating under the hot sun, unsure where I was headed, overflowing with both gratitude and stillness, such an open-ness of being. Allowing all that had unfolded to begin to filter through my body. Precious jewels, I sense I have regained knowing at a depth it may take an unknown time to assimilate. Remembering through the Divine mirror. By the next day or two , I notice my ego mind already trying to reduce and question the experience. It was truly challenged. But the truth is lodged in a deep, deep part of my heart. A seed that will continue to flourish.

I have no idea how this will flow through my life, other than that we will meet again. Of course. And go deeper. This is but the beginning.  I suspect Saraswathi was an important factor in why I was guided back to Orgiva at that time, as she is there giving Satsang from June until November. I have her book now, trembling, waiting before I dive in. Yet again, Life shows me that when I listen…to the whispers..the urges..the calls of my heart..and trust…miracles can – and do – appear. When I slow down into the divine rhythm, soften, quieten, all unfolds.. enfolded, embraced in the Sacred Mother.

May you meet and remember your truth, your light.

Do connect through facebook or my website. I support groups and individuals on our journey to remember and embody our light.

You can explore Saraswathi Ma through her website. She is offering Satsangs in Orgiva, Spain until November then in UK and globally.

Mother Moon

full-moon-over-water-at-nightFor the last two nights, I have slept with my curtains opened, to allow her light to pour onto me through the night as she moves by my window. The clear, cold night allowed her to show her true beauty, luminous and timeless. I felt such excitement to feel her and see her so close. I lay in bed in the early morning hours before dawn, feeling my veins being filled with moonlight, pouring softly through me, pulse by pulse.

For a few days there has been a quiet inner brewing and today, the light shines upon the change. The urgency is gone, the frequent underlying pressure – of so much to do. Even when I seem peaceful with it, there is a constant back story of so, so many things “to do”. Mark Nepo reminded me a few days ago that “ a sense of urgency is a terrible illusion, a trick that happens, again and again, because life inside our skin and outside our skin are forever different….” He continues “What we need is always harshly and beautifully right before us, disguised in the wrapping of our nearest urgency. We just refuse to accept this, because it feels so difficult to face. ..The doorway to our next step of growth is always behind the urgency of now.”

I notice a softening within, that has just ever so gently emerged, like the first crocuses through the winter soil. It is organic, from deep within the earth. It feels very different from those times when I go slow through procrastination or avoidance or tiredness. Instead it feels like deeper self-nurturing. It arises from a different and deeper part of me and feels effortless. I choose to stroll into the town on an errand; I choose to go for a cycle in the beautiful sunshine, I choose to lay in bed and be caressed by the moonlight. And she does, my sister moon.

she is travelling

Mark offers “Life always feels vacant and diminished when I accelerate beyond my capacity to feel what is before me. ..I’ve learned quite simply, I must move at the pace of what is real.”

What have I created in my life? What is real?

A very, very rich life – filled with five children and a partner, a busy household, a commitment to serve spirit on a much wider scale through my healing and teaching and any other way I can help spread light on the planet, that I can fulfil my being on this Earth. Life is never – ever – going to be empty, dull! So there is always the space for choice, for letting go into what is real. The pace will vary yes – and there are times where much is called for – but can I stay in touch with my reality? Can I feel the life inside my skin as well and the life outside?

I learned in my past –at the cost of the total loss of my health – the price of pushing, grabbing onto urgency, striving. I soften into this depth inside with a sigh of freedom and spaciousness. It feels so welcome, so nurturing. Mother moon is holding me well, showing me the true meaning – again -of strength. She is softly showing me Her way of Being, again, as I forget and remember.

I slow down – within – and I expand. The stillness I can connect to much more regularly as my truth – permeates more fully into my physical body, into my active self, in the world.

In this space I also notice the absence of the rage that has been flaring up for many weeks now, full of fire. For now, there is peace.

Kissed by the sun today and blessed by the moon, I over flow with riches. The wealth of the Mother, filling me whole.

Contact Helen at http://www.luminosa.org.uk to find out more about offerings, healing, groups and teaching.