How interesting that we can have the “same” realizations – again and again, happening upon the understanding in a luminous moment of clarity. A thought we’ve had before, sometimes many, many times yet, in this moment, the smoke clears and it drops deeper, more into our core. Its the essence of the human condition in many ways. In that space of profound knowing and realization, we feel that we can never forget the truth we have touched. But we do.
I have known for years that I completely identified with my intellect in the first part of my life. As a child I was defined (within my experience) by my intelligence. It was who I was. Fortunately (or not!) I never doubted – or had any cause to doubt this intelligence. Top of the class right through primary school and much of secondary school, my memory was fantastic, my ability to learn and retain information really never fully challenged. I could rely on this identification utterly.
At the same time, I believed I was completely non-sporty with no skills in using or moving my body. I was also sure that no-one could want to speak to me. I believed in fact I had nothing to say and absolutely no sense of my own value.
The little self-esteem I had was completely entwined in my academic achievement (which of course was never “enough”). When I later dropped into years of healing – through my body giving me the great gift of deep and long term illness, these intellectual abilities evaporated. I could not concentrate for more than a few seconds at times; my memory was gone and I found learning or retention of any information very difficult.
In disidentifying with my mind, I began to find first my body, then my emotional body and ultimately my long-buried soul. As my intellectual gifts disappeared, I could neither rely on them or define myself by them any more. I was also stripped of my ability to work, to socialise, to function “normally” – all huge gifts in taking me in, to meet my long-denied core.
I realize now, more clearly again, that this desperate clinging to my idea of self as my intelligence was not just conditioning but also a deep strategy of my ego to disconnect me from my much, much greater being and the Light I am here to bring. So any attachment to ideas of who we are are merely further ego strategies to limit what is limitless. We are of course beyond knowing . My mind still likes to play with “forgetting” – my realizations, my wisdom; forgetting what it cannot ever encompass but I see it – somewhat like a mildly misbehaving and soothe it, reassure it.
As we realize our Self, layer by layer, moment by moment, our alignment and relationship with our soul becomes stronger. We dance the dance, day to day, always dropping, longing, waiting, being. And so it continues. Moments of deepest realization – then forgetting – touching the remembrance of our infiniteness – then feeling it slip away. The dance of all humanity, to simply remember who we are and what we have always been. To realize fully, deeply and infinitely our divinity and light.