A wise and extraordinary teacher of mine often says “trust no-one, not even yourself.” When I first heard this I was surprised – coming from such an evolved and heart based being. The wisdom and depth of this teaching goes on….” trust what you can KNOW – the earth beneath your feet, the stars in the sky, the sun, the moon.”
My path at this time very much calls me in to places of woundedness that have – even with decades of dedication to personal growth – been largely concealed in shadow my entire life. These places especially concern the masculine expression and aspect of me/Source and nurturing a healthy balance between my feminine and masculine. I have been embracing this exploration for many months, committing to it deeply for a number of those, yet only now I find myself truly stepping in to the mouth of the cave.
(It is endlessly surprising and humbling to observe oneself called again and again to the same cycles that have been worked with for decades only to reveal whole “new” layers as one progresses on the path. And of course illuminates the foolishness and absolute arrogance of ever thinking we are remotely “done” on a particular topic. No matter how much inner work we have done, we must prepared to be humbled in any second by what is unleashed and revealed by the ruthless Grace of Life.)
And a big piece in this shadow work relates to trust. The countless ways that trust has been decimated as spirit in the form of a female incarnated on this planet. Commonly by the masculine. In working on freeing myself from generations of control and manipulation, fully standing in liberation and sovereignty, the circles expand through not only my ancestral line but all beings. Personally and collectively. I – and many of us – especially females – feel and carry it all, precisely so that it can be healed and transmuted. And we are each called to find balance in union within, healing , owning all that we are – whatever gender – in Sacred equanimity. And the call to trust is in our ultimate connection with Source, the One.
I believe we have moved way beyond the days of “blaming” and judging either men or women for our roles in this dance. Yet there is still the invitation for deep forgiveness and healing. For an expansion of love that can hold and transmute all – within and as expressed through “other”.
In my role as a transmitter for particular frequencies of the Divine feminine, this service can only be truly fulfilled through bringing these energies fully into and through form and in healing not only the wounded feminine carried and expressing through this form but also – essentially – the wounded masculine.
So that both parts can see, honour and embrace each other in wholeness.
So the play in this particular life in recent months has been for Life to bring forth several men for intense, intimate relationship – under the “mantle” of Sacred union. And they have served greatly to direct me to the shadow places calling for my love and awareness. In the role of the “Divine awake masculine”– consciously or unconsciously bringing forth the woundedness, the distortions, the shadows, the manipulation – BECAUSE – they are but a mirror to those places asking for attnetion and more than anything unconditional love within me and my relationship with the Divine masculine, with “God” , as well as masculine in form.
And they are also manifestations of an outplacing of my desire to meet the wholeness of the Divine masculine in me/other. No matter the seeming evidence of consciousness and awakening work, where I see a significant gap between what is projected and the reality of where consciousness and ego are, then I must dig deeper. This is also of course centrally where I study closely where this may be relevant to my own self and focus carefully in discerning what serves my growth.*
So whilst my aching hurt and grieving personality at least briefly wanted to cry – “Again!! He has let me down again. The masculine cannot be trusted” – I come to a place of gratitude pretty immediately at the perfection. There are many rich teachings and important ones on naiveté and trust. On the sophistication and intelligence of the darkness. On the complexity of shadow and woundedness. On listening more astutely to the promptings of the intuition. And – essentially – having the courage to let go of what is not real nor in alignment….and….trust in that letting go again and again to the unknown- of what may have seemed to hold promise.
Everything that shows up in my life asks for my careful attention. Everything is a mirror of both Divinity and ego. So I take all the gifts and challenges of these connections into the container of my inner reflection and awareness for contemplation and digestion. At the same time, applying careful discretion as to what aspects of mirroring I take as clear and resonant.
The invitation is also to delve deeper into those places within me that have been too painful to even hold in the light – until now. And to nurture my own healthy masculine that can hold all – shadow and light – in the utter strength of unconditional love and presence. These souls are mirrors and teachers, as is every soul we encounter. This is about conscousness and peeling off yet further layers of illusion. Each shift in clarity and truth that any one of us creates, ripples through all consciousness.
Each experience with wounding, projection and a lack of authenticity I have encountered in my closest relationships has been a hugely powerful catalyst to awareness and growth. A great illuminator of the shadows and unconscious projections I still carry. And a vital invitation to honour my truth and authenticity and not give away my power to others’ expectation, however alluring. A relentless re-focusing on who I truly am and releasing roles, control and qualities imposed on me – and assumed by me (in many incarnations). And a catalyst to further jump-start and liberate even more my infinite heart and passionate body, the Sacred fires within me. The Love that I am is so beyond “personal”, so limitless. It has its home within me and this One calls to be absolutely embraced in this Love at the foundation of every movement, expression and relating.
So as the lessons show up, I learned more quickly this time and with less pain. I did not feel safe and my growing edge was to learn to keep myself safe(r). I did not feel respected, heard, held or revered. I did not felt fully met. Trust – in the human form – proved to be misplaced….So my invitation is to stand in those roles with love, compassion and dignity – no matter what – with all parts of me that show up. And to find the only place I CAN truly trust – God/Spirit.
And that means being – apparently – “alone” again. Alone with the Beloved and how the Beloved shows up in every single soul I encounter. How the Beloved expresses in my Being. With mySelf to go deep into the essential work that I am called to. Not pretty, not glamorous but oh so essential. Even with twenty years of self- development and exploration, these are whole other and vital layers in embodiment, growth and service.
Each soul has a journey in meeting, healing and embodying the Divine feminine and the masculine aspects within in order to come to wholeness. I know so many conscious women who are deeply frustrated at the apparent absence of equivalently conscious and devoted-to-the-Divine men – open in their heart yet strong and balanced in their masculine self. We long to be met, heard, and held – as equals at all levels. I don’t doubt this same seed of longing exists in the essence of many men also. The more each one of us – male or female – can love ourselves into wholeness, we literally (co)create new paradigms for this Sacred Union to be mirrored in the form of “other”.
For this one – as for many of us – at this time, my teaching – again – is to relax……to trust more completely what Life has in store; to take any longing inside – to my true and ultimate Sacred Union with the Divine. To nurture all of these qualities within and through me in that connection. And if it is in indeed – as it seems – Spirit’s plan for this wholeness and Sacred Union to embody truly in the physical then I am deeply grateful when that ultimately does show up in Truth.
When in hurt we have the choice to constrict, to be bitter and armoured or to embrace the learning with deep humility and grace and keep our heart wide open. I have made both choices in the past but now there can only be one choice. For the path of dedication to Spirit demands all, everything. Demands our wide open, cracked, bruised, blood spattered heart lain on the altar. Again…And again…
For now, the invitation is to trust That which is. Not any individual. Not any man. Nor woman. And most certainly not my own mind. To trust more completely, utterly in the Divine. And thus see and experience each one of us as Spirit in form doing our best to navigate the challenges of duality, human needs and our projections.
It was demonstrated to me again very dramatically recently in a supremely intense incident – triggered by a bizarre set of circumstances, precisely choreographed by Spirit – that I cannot trust anything my mind offers (unless received fully and absolutely in and through heart and belly) – anything! I can trust my heart and my body. But I know how quickly and subtly the human mind can intervene and distort anything. I experienced the hellish agony of what the mind can throw up. I touched into the depths of fear and pain that have been locked within. I could not trust anything my mind generated. I could not trust the person I was with. I could not escape the situation. I could only turn everything to God, breathing moment to moment for what literally felt like my life and a tenuous grasp on sanity. It was an unequivocably powerful teaching that could only have been lived through my vulnerable and embodied experience. And calling in all parts of me to hold my self through it.
I watch very carefully for pride and ego showing up as obstacles to transformation. I have watched the dissolution of my most intimate relationships in this past year as a result of the projections of ego – both my own and theirs. My deep calling this year is liberation. From the illusions of ego, from ancient echoes of suffering. Liberation into Love and trust in Life beyond anything before. In knowing that the Divine is the true home of trust, that does not bring cynicism nor disillusionment but rather liberation from hurt and disappointment through misplaced trust and projection. And freedom to receive every one of us in deeper compassion in our human-ness – especially myself.
So I take my grief, my aches, any sense of betrayal and disappointment, my aloneness, my passion, my joy and aliveness to the Divine.
To the Beloved who is me/you/everything. Holding all places in Love.
I take my vast love.
My light. My shadow.
My longing and desire.
My surrender. My not knowing,
All that I am.
I give All to God.
This I can trust.
*I am aware that some of my sharings are deeply personal. I can only write what I am guided to and what comes from and through my heart. They are but my reflections of pieces of my dance, offered unconditionally as perceived and felt in this now, with humility, gratitude, respect and love for each soul playing any part. We are all actors in this earth school, serving Love. With this, it is my hope and intention that in sharing, the words and the energy in them may touch, awaken and inspire in even the smallest ways.
Helen serves consciousness and love through global events, international gatherings, one to one consultations and writings. Please get in touch through her site or facebook.